lucky.

i often don't get what i want. i'm not really complaining, but the odds are usually against me (especially when it seems as though they should be in my favor). i can work really hard for something, there can be no reason that it shouldn't work out, and yet, it doesn't and i am heartbroken because i take things too personally/too seriously/am too self-critical.

can i possibly get my dream apartment (or, at least, a cute/charming apartment in my dream location) AND the perfect internship, without doing much work for either??

i didn't think so, but it seems i am wrong. plans are being made for move-ins and weekly schedules, and i am just beyond thrilled and feel beyond lucky.

la nostalgie

This is a great article.

It's really true. And I think their explanation is valid. It feels like we are worlds away from where we were in the 90s... everything just moves so quickly these days...

i used to be a writer -

musings from my high school diary :

"Everything's been so hard lately. Life has been so hard," he said in that tired voice that has become so familiar of late, as they walked together, side-by-side, for the first time in a long time. "You know what you should do then?" she asked seriously. He looked at her and quickly replied, "What?" After a brief pause, she smiled and answered "Fix it!" and then laughed & laughed. You could tell that he was smiling as well when he protested, "No! I can't!" But her optimism haunted him for awhile."

"I get a sort of sick pleasure from being heartbroken & independent. "

"And in those moments, when you realize [again] that life is so much bigger than you - - it's amazing. And stupid stuff doesn't matter and can just be shrugged off, because you'll always have these larger ideals and a bigger purpose than trivialities.

I love moments of enlightenment. "

"I watched you this morning, saw you notice me. Saw you look thoughtful and then slowly walk over, sit backwards on the desk so that we were facing each other. And we just stared at one another for the seven minutes that remained in homeroom.
Sometimes looks mean so much more than words. And sometimes, there is just nothing left to say. "

" everyone's a little queer,
why can't you be a little straight?

Sometimes, I really think I'm fooling myself.

Whatever makes you happy. :( " <---------just goes to show you, i am ever the same.

""No!" she laughed shyly, clearly embarrassed by the question though the sparkle in her eye as she glanced back at the old photograph seemed to tell otherwise. "No," she repeated, this time softer, with a forlorn look of longing that would've been enough to break even the hardest of hearts. "


"she was sitting at the table, her eyes anxiously glancing to the gate every few minutes, her heart beating against her chest in anticipation.

after what seemed like agonizingly long, she heard a voice behind her and turned.

there he was, smiling as always.

ignoring the others, he sat in the chair that was closest to her and they just stared at each other for awhile, inquisitively...inquiringly.

"hello," she smiled sarcastically. "it's nice to meet you."

he paused before saying, "you look so different..."

and she considered this for a moment, deciding that it must've been a compliment because of the way he stared so, before adding, "so do you...now isn't this weird."

and for the two hours that remained, they sat closely together, often talking amongst solely themselves or stealing sideways glances when the other wasn't looking.

"well we'll always have paris, darling," she said half jokingly, part of her believing that it was and would be forever true.

before he left, he stood behind her and leaned in to kiss her [upside-down, of course], but instead of kissing back, she just laughed in that way of hers and crinkled her nose.

like it or not, she was head-over-heels, absolutely and completely and entirely in love with him.

still as opposed to again. "



yeah.
i think i could edit YA and middle grade books.

what i learned from4 yrs of summer camp.

children, ages 9-20 or so, are obsessed with homosexuality. every freaking thing is "that is so gay" (okay, sometimes very wrongly used as a synonym for 'stupid') or "so and so is gay" or "what are you, gay??? or "you're a faggot" or simply "fag."

why is is so fascinating? why do they find it so revolting?

it seems that to these kids, being anything but gay is OK.

just today, i, sick of hearing the same shit day after day from these little losers, said "so what? there's nothing wrong with being gay," and they replied, eyes wide, "yes there is!!!!!!!!!!!" and i told them that i found them revolting and horribly offensive, which was wrong, because i am 21 and they are 13.

but i hate them.
i hate them i hate them i hate them.

i am just horrified that these kids think they can look down on other people when really, they don't understand anything.

why do they think they are better?

they are revolting.

we need the kids to be better, so when they grow up we can actually make a change in the world. do some good. break down walls, not build new ones.

and then there's always the gay (but not gay yet, because they're only 13) kid in camp, and all i can think about is how these kids makes other kids' lives 10000x harder, and i just hate them for it.

they don't understand what they're doing.

priority mishap.

so fml.

my cell phone broke on saturday. i have not been in contact with any of my friends since. i'm waiting for them to mail me a new one in the mail. i might not get it til friday or next monday.

i got a paycheck today from job #2, the bi-monthly paycheck. i am making tons of money, but what's the point?

i should be seeing harry potter right now with kristin and jesse, but i fucked up big time and said i could work every night this week, in addition to my regular 9-4.30 full-time job.

i am fucking breaking a quite long tradition because of work.

i am a fucking loser. my thirteen year old self, my eighteen year old self would hate me so bad right now.

i hate me so bad right now.

but i thought about the effects that a midnight showing in the middle of 4 14hr workdays would have on me, and i cried, and i decided that i would enjoy it so much more if i waited til i could stay awake during it.

but eff my effing life.

i don't want to be the person who makes rational decisions. i want to make memories. :(

brave.

the bug.

every now and then, all i can think about is leaving. i'm not unhappy; i'm just antsy. traveltraveltraveltraveltravel.

a year ago, i was here



six months ago, i was here


waiting to go here


to do this


.

now i am here :


working 14 hour days so someday i can be a jetsetteuse (it's French. really.) again.