a progression of thoughts :

my roommate apparently went away for the weekend.
guess it's two days/nights of just me ....
what if someone breaks in and murders me?
oh well.
i'm so tired. i'm going to go to sleep.




i am so apathetic. i guess that's the way to be. i wish every day were friday and i could spend the day interning at d&g. is that pathetic?? maybe.

i should be so happy. i love duplex and my friends. and yet.........

i kinda just want to go home.

i feel really weird.

i don't think about it much while i'm at work/i still like being at work, but other than that, i really just want to go home.

or paris.

hello.

so i guess it's been awhile. i guess i've been busy...

i was completely in love with my new apartment until about five days ago, when i awoke to the noises that scratchy little claws make on wood floors. there was a mouse at the foot of my bed. at the time, i wasn't sure if it was a mouse or a rat, so i was basically crying. i later saw it and confirmed it was a mouse. it visited again the next night -- but not in my room, for now every night i barricade the little crack under my door with rugs and that random sheet that bryan got from god knows where.

i do not think it visited last night, because i was basically awake for the entire night. fml. i do not know why i'm so afraid of mice, or why i have such a big imagination, but something has to stop. and i think that something is, i have to give up super paranormal books and ghost shows for awhile. i'm twenty-one years old; i should be behaving better.

classes are fine. the only one really worth it is irish. i am obsessed with ireland.

my internship is generally great.

but i'm tired of everything today. or maybe just tired.

so, tomorrow morning i make the annual (bi-annual, in the past years) trek to new york city with all of my shit. it's only 40 miles, but it feels so much further.

i hate :
packing up my room
saying goodbye to my family

and i know i love being at school, and i know that when may rolls around i never want to come home, but right now i just don't want to leave. i hate moving ; it always seems so final. and who knows what will happen in between now and whenever i find myself here again?

i don't know why i always think like that. everything always seems so final. it's like i'm already an old lady and expect everyone to just die. maybe it's the combination of being a part of the millennial generation (teens on september 11, 2001) and seeing so much unexpected loss recently. i think about it every day. who knows if i'll even make it to the city tomorrow? anything can happen in a minute, let alone twelve hours. this is fucked up and i don't want to think like this. i don't want to grow up.

but what have i learned in college? two things that i repeat to myself often, hoping that they will sink in
--- learn to accept what you cannot change, and don't be afraid.

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on a side note, i found this in an article and thought it was interesting:
"The Millennial Generation is, in many ways, a generation of contrasts - e.g., they are both team-oriented and narcissistic; they are said to be optimistic, yet also cyncial; they do volunteer activities but the motivies are unclear."