i'm not very good with schedules. i feel so trapped. 

and so it is monday night again, and i am in a horrid mood. i'm getting sick of this routine and even the things that i love/look forward to seem mundane and boring. i was so happy this morning and now i am being so negative. 

it doesn't help that i am annoyed at everyone right now (mostly for no fault of their own, except in one particular case, not naming names).  

i need a vacation. i don't know what i need.  what i want.  

 i talked to bryan for an hour today and then we hung up and i cried because i wish we were in the same place and i wish life were easier. 

now i am home alone, listening to gregory on repeat (RIP

but honestly, what's the point ?

i hate girls.

i think it is disgusting how some girls treat their gay friends as like ... pieces of jewelry.  and if they were doing a bridget jones type introduction, the 'fun fact' they'd choose would be..."this is colin: he's gay." like it's that one-defining characteristic, like that's the only thing that matters, like it's some freakish novel thing.  ridiculous.



no one would ever introduce me as "this is bridget, she's straight..."

except they have.
at a lesbian bar.
so i guess it's acceptable then.

gone

paris, amsterdam, london --- i keep saying i can't leave new york, but why not?? what if i did??

oh god... 

aaall by myself ...

i wonder why the people i like the most are the ones that don't (want to) live in new york anymore. 

i love this city. and i understand why they want to leave, but i don't understand why i'm so set on staying here. bryan's right -- it's probably because i'm afraid.

in about a month it'll be just me again. i mean, i guess it had been 'just me' for almost two years now, but recently i've found a bryan-equivalent in michael.  i guess it is because they are both horribly interesting, oddly friendly (for people in this town), are the kinds of people who would say "bless you" to strangers on the street (rare, again, here), and because they both look at me the same way. it's a look that's all-knowing, part reprimanding, part pleased. it's a look that says "i've got you figured out."  whether they know it or not, that's the way they look at me.  nobody else does/has ever. 

that's probably what i miss the most about bryan.  i love my friends incredibly, and they all know me -- to an extent -- but it's not the same.  it's hard to explain it, and i'd just end up pissing everyone off anyway.  which i do anyway, by not loving them enough. 


and to have found that again, and be losing that again ... well, i'm not looking forward to it. 


i woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't sleep, so i spent two hours IMing with bryan instead, who layed out this elaborate plan in which i moved to paris and we lived together.  

i don't know what's keeping me here ... 

i still can't believe danielle is dead... in a week, it will have been a year and it still feels so much more recent than that.

but we carry on, right?
if for no other reason than because we have no other choice ...