aaall by myself ...

i wonder why the people i like the most are the ones that don't (want to) live in new york anymore. 

i love this city. and i understand why they want to leave, but i don't understand why i'm so set on staying here. bryan's right -- it's probably because i'm afraid.

in about a month it'll be just me again. i mean, i guess it had been 'just me' for almost two years now, but recently i've found a bryan-equivalent in michael.  i guess it is because they are both horribly interesting, oddly friendly (for people in this town), are the kinds of people who would say "bless you" to strangers on the street (rare, again, here), and because they both look at me the same way. it's a look that's all-knowing, part reprimanding, part pleased. it's a look that says "i've got you figured out."  whether they know it or not, that's the way they look at me.  nobody else does/has ever. 

that's probably what i miss the most about bryan.  i love my friends incredibly, and they all know me -- to an extent -- but it's not the same.  it's hard to explain it, and i'd just end up pissing everyone off anyway.  which i do anyway, by not loving them enough. 


and to have found that again, and be losing that again ... well, i'm not looking forward to it. 


i woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't sleep, so i spent two hours IMing with bryan instead, who layed out this elaborate plan in which i moved to paris and we lived together.  

i don't know what's keeping me here ...