melancholy

sometimes i get really busy and caught up with life and i forget things. like i forgot that danielle is dead. and my grandpa... and aunt eileen. it's easy to forget, sometimes. and then i feel really guilty. because it's not fair.  mostly about danielle. because childhood best friends are not supposed to die 6 months before their 21st birthday.

but at the same time, it's comforting to forget.  because there was a time when i didn't know how i would keep going. when i didn't think it would ever stop hurting. but now i know that it does get better, a little bit. no matter how bad you feel at the time. you never really get over it, but you move on. ugh that sounds terrible. because you don't want to move on, do you? you don't want to forget these people, these times in your life that meant so much to you.

my daddy's gonna be 50 in a week. that scares me very much. i don't think he likes it, either.

and now i am crying.

and i miss my best friend, who for some reason is in love with paris and will never come home to me, even though it's always better when we're together, like jack johnson sings.

lost & found

So.  It's almost February and I've been keeping up with my resolutions pretty well.

I feel more self-confident than ever. I've been insanely happy --- although right now, I am veering towards unhappy. Because I am exhausted. --- I have been incredibly focused (a rarity), really motivated, and just super productive.  I wake up super early to go to the gym before class. I ran five miles in less than 50 minutes! Which is awesome for me. And really, not bad at all in general. I haven't been drunk since New Year's Eve. I've been seeing friends who I neglected for the entirety of last semester.

I feel super focused on myself and super attuned to what I want.

And at the same time, I feel horrible and selfish, because I am neglecting people who ... need me.

Some of my friends are more projects. I work really hard on them and love them until I decide that I'm getting nothing out of it. And then I stop. Suddenly.  One day, I just wake up and decide that it's unhealthy for me to carry on in such a manner. I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. And it's draining.

What am I supposed to do about that?

Is it too selfish if I pick me over someone else?  But then again, isn't that the point of living one's own life???

thought.

i was just thinking that it's kinda wonderful to have someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway. 

have/don't have v.2.0

I have:
- a round trip plane ticket, new york-paris, for march 11-21
- hundreds of dollars worth of credit card debt, par consequent
- the best best friend a girl could ask for


I don't have:
- a clean room
- a desire to get dressed ever again/go back to the city tomorrow

this year i will

- drink less
- continue to go to the gym twice a week. and continue to like it. because liking it is key to going back.
- become a better cook & try new recipes. because how hard can it be?
- reconnect with people who i care about but for whatever reason lost contact with, or don't see as often as i'd like because i am too lazy to leave my apartment
- not let people push me around.  i'm my own person and you can't tell me what i can/can't do, who i can/can't be friends with. really. you can't.
- hang around the negative people less often.  they ruin my aura.
- be braver.

things i would do every day if i could

 - drink an entire pot of tea. black, with honey & milk.
- take a meaningless stroll around the cobblestoned streets of the west village
- have a glass of wine or two. just because. 
- dance around my apartment, singing french songs and duets with bryan


3/4 are feasible, so i guess that makes me lucky, but i'd trade 1-3 for 4 ...

boring

i wish with all my heart that i did more interesting things so i could have a blog worth reading.

at only 22, how is it that i feel that i've wasted so much time?