that.

who thought that i would enjoy working at the stadium again? it's been 4 years since i've enjoyed that job. i guess it's because i have absolutely nothing to do at home and am basically trapped without a car, so i savor the minutes that i get to spend away from the house/with people my own age who i am not related to.

also i feel like blair waldorf, because i am an excellent schemer. especially when i scheme whilst wearing my black headband with the bow.

we are in control of the waddle-in-shop, and bitches who think otherwise are going downnnn.

i can't believe this is what my life has come down to.
but i don't hate it.

this . . .

today i woke up sad. it doesn't seem as if i'll snap out of it, so i'm just waiting til tomorrow.

i realize now that, except for sometimes kristin, i have absolutely no one to call to come save me from the monotony that is my everyday life at the moment. it's mostly my fault. i could've made more of an effort. but any effort just seemed so useless at the time. we don't have anything in common anymore and i wish it could be different. i feel like that awkward day over spring break that i spent at the beach with brittany was my last chance, and it failed miserably. uncomfortable silences and not much to talk about.

it is what it is, but i wish it were different.

and i don't have a car, because one of them is broken, and my parents need the other cars to take to work. so i can't even go shopping or just drive.

i'll see bryan in two weeks. thank god.

and until then, there's this...

drugs.

i have at least five bottles of prescription medication that i am supposed to take daily, to help with things such as migraines, severe seasonal allergies, and borderline anemia because i refuse to eat meat.

i take none of them.

i have had a throbbing headache for the past twelve + hours. not a migraine. i feel like my head will explode. not pleasant.

i am tired and allergic and it's a beautiful day and why are all my darling friends so far away?

why do people take themselves so seriously? i hate that.

things to remember v.1

for everyone, but mostly for me. i'm so bored and not at all tired, so why not try to be inspirational?

- you're not an idiot, so you shouldn't ever let anyone make you feel like you are. especially yourself. be your biggest fan.

- you are you, so don't waste your time wishing you were anyone else or being jealous. because that doesn't change anything. like yourself.

- being afraid to ask questions is a flaw. a major flaw. try to get over it asap.

- being afraid of anything is a waste of time, because it prevents you from really living.

- try new things, because you don't want to be like the people who don't. they are boring.

- travel as often as you can.

- learn something new every day. nobody knows everything, so instead of being embarrassed, look at everything as a learning experience.

- living with people is hard. it's easy to get mad and moody. take a time out and go for a walk instead of saying things you'll regret.

- living alone is harder. especially if you come from an incredibly noisy household of six people.

- try to be nice to everyone. be not just sympathetic, but empathetic. you're not better than anybody, though sometimes you feel like you are. you're just different.

-everyone is different and nobody will have the same opinions as you. let them have their opinions. yelling won't change anything.

- teach through actions rather than words. it's more effective.

- do what you like and like what you do. everything else is a waste of time. but be aware of your responsibilities.
-

christopher street

what do you do when your "safe street" is no longer safe ?
2 am isn't particularly late and 7th ave isn't a particularly obscure spot.
why did no one stop this?
what about the cops who find it fun to hang around there every night?

c street has been different this year. the group that usually sticks to the PATH station, between hudson and greenwich aves, has grown exponentially and taken over the entire street, from 7th to the river. i felt uncomfortable walking around after 10 and usually would call/text nick or dennis to keep me company for those five minutes til i got home.

this is awful. it makes me afraid.

Man Beaten in West Village, Possible Hate Crime

ruined.

nyu has killed me. i am unable to have other non-nyu, non-nyc friends.
it just doesn't work out anymore.
nobody understands me.

you can't say things like "i don't think there's anything wrong with that, i just don't want to see two dudes kissing." you can't say that to me, because though i know it's not really your fault, it's society's fault and you're just ignorant, i will judge you. and i could think so highly of you, and the moment something like that comes out of your mouth, it's done. and i wish it weren't. i wish i could just let people be who they are (--except they can't, so there's that), but i can't. i feel like in laughing uncomfortably, in not saying something back, in continuing to associate myself with these people, i feel like i'm betraying my friends.

and so i can't do it.
and so i have no long island friends. no friends from high school.
and so i will be alone for the summer, counting the days til i am back in a city with my people.

boredom.

i go from complete bliss to utter boredom in a matter of one commuter rail train ride.

it is day 2 of hating my life and there is no end in sight.

it would be different if i were working all day, though really not quite the same because i hate my jobs and anyway, anything after d&g is worthless. hopefully i'll start 9/5-ing it soon, at the office. because then at least i'll start making a lot of money and can spend weekends in the city or paris or who-knows, but it will involve lots of drinks either way and the gays.

oh god i feel so boring. i am wearing a tie-dyed tee-shirt. if the city folk could only see me now...

after all, it was a great big world

i feel really disconnected from a lot of people. and at the same time, really connected to city folk. i don't mean to sound pretentious, this is just the way i see it : there's a large difference in the size of our worlds. we are not townies. we don't go to the same one bar every weekend, and instead of keggers we go to cocktail parties. sundresses instead of jean shorts.

the world is at my fingertips and i want it all!

i've been places. i'm doing things.

i don't mean to belittle other people's existences, because to each his own, and sometimes i wish i could be satisfied in a town. but i know i can't be. not til i'm old, anyway. or not til this city has ripped every inch of my soul away, because that's what it does. self-destruction. but the city pulls me in. there's that one spot on the BQE where you can first see the city skyline stretched out before you in all its neon glory. but you don't just see it. you can feel it pulsing. it is alive in every sense of the word.

i feel like when i go home i am largely ignored. people ask questions, seem interested for a few minutes. but then they move on to what is familiar. hometown sports, schools, town gossip. nobody really cares or understands.

i don't blame them for this. but it's frustrating and it's lonely.

my own parents ignored me yesterday. they came to take home my stuff and then we went out to lunch, and all they talked about was my little brother's sports teams and television. it was awful.

it'll be nice to go home. take a break from it all for awhile. though i do wish i could stay..
but it'll be even nicer to come back. especially if i am lucky for once in my life and get it all --- a west village apartment (non-dorm) and a job as assistant to one of the greatest name's in children's publishing.

except for the going to school part, of course.

today.

grey's anatomy nailed it. i mean, really nailed it.

the biggest thing i learned this year is that you can't wait to start living. you can't say "oh, after college my real life will begin" or "after high school," "after grad school," "after this semester," "after i get married," after after after after after.

no, because this is life. right now. it's immediate, it's wonderful, it's fleeting, and you never know when it is going to change so drastically that you will no longer be able to do what you meant to, or say the things you meant to say, or live the life you always dreamed.

today.

so don't save money for a rainy day, or daydream about vacations in a few years, or not tell people you love them.

don't spend entire days or weeks studying, don't work overtime, don't waste a minute.

because the only thing that is certain is right now. this very minute.

you have to LIVE.

best day

i miss being that little.
like this song, i had a pretty flawless childhood...

hypochondria part 2

genevieve and i are both dying of the swine flu. we are convinced we have it, as we are both legitimately sick and it seems to be more than just super bad allergies.

also today at molly's new (amazing, adorable) apartment, we were dusting and then we decided that we might also die of lead poisoning. because surely there was lead in the paint that we were cleaning...

you've got mail

some quotes i like :

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

People always say that change is a good thing, but what it really means is that something that you didn't want to happen, has happened.

Soon we'll just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know, because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is, I'm heartbroken.

I started helping my mother here after school when I was six years old. I used to watch her, and she said it wasn't about selling books, it was about helping people become whoever they were going to turn out to be. When you read a book as a child it becomes part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your life does.

big fish

i haven't watched big fish since the night my grandfather died a year and a half ago.
it was the weirdest thing. the main character always reminded me of him.
and right after i finished watching it, as i was listening to the pearl jam song in the credits, my daddy called.




my grandfather's funeral reminded me of the funeral in big fish, and the song in the credits reminded me of him. he was this larger than life person.

And the sky breaks at dawn, shedding light upon this town
They’ll all come ‘round
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just goodbye for now.

i felt like watching it today. i always thought it was such a pretty movie. but i was bored once i put it on. so i just watched the spectre scene, and the daffodil scene, and then the end. that ending always made me cry. like i said before, not a lot can make me cry.

i wish people wouldn't talk to me about danielle, because i don't like to talk about her.

i think about her enough as it is. i don't need other people randomly bringing it up.

not a lot of things can make me cry on the spot, but that can.

most of the time i just feel so numb.

circles

my sunburn has faded into a tan, it no longer hurts, and it has begun to peel massively. thankfully only on my back and shoulder blades - nothing like last year.

and yet, to remember that i experienced the exact same thing at the exact same time last year is comforting (and annoying -- why haven't i learned?????) in a weird way. i miss my european adventures, and this sunburn makes me think of greece. and now italy, where my skin was peeling like whoa.

today, a year ago, i left venice for my final two week stint in paris.
two of the best weeks of my life
(april 18-may 18=one of the best months of my life. definitely by far the most jam-packed, the most interesting)