a title change

this blog should be called a fag hagography, because let's face it. my life is a disaster.

mona and beth made me go to a straight bar.

how is it that i am much more comfortable in a lesbian bar than in a straight bar?

i am so socially awkward. there were more straight boys in the room than in my entire school/more than i've seen in my post-high school life. and it made me nervous and awkward and i don't know how to act.

so what did i do? walked as fast as i could away from the east village, back to the homeland. i sighed deeply once i reached monster bar and stared through the window at boys kissing. and i walked down christopher street and all was right again.

except not really, because i am not actually a boy and the gay scene will never actually be my own. no matter how good of a gay boyfriend i am, i am still a girl and that means i am too needy.

grace was often left home when the boys went out.

this is no life.

and yet it's the only one i know.

and i really don't see (or really want) a way out.

better to be lonely and fabulous than with an ugly straight boy who watches sports on the weekends and listens to bad heavy metal?

this ain't a fairytale

the weeks are long but the days pass rather quickly.

wednesday night i was so so excited to come home and relax. watch the latest episode of the real world.

instead, while i was cooking dinner, i slit open my finger and it was bleeding bleeding bleeding... ugh i was a mess. holly was wonderful. i had to go to the hospital and they glued it back together. it is difficult to do things with only 8 fingers and i am glad that normally i have 10. and feel bad for those who don't.

i slit open my ring-finger. i keep saying that it is symbolic of my self-destructive lifestyle (mostly regarding boys and the fact that i fall madly in love with those who don't date girls).

i've been in too good of a mood lately. it is all very weird.

i'm insanely glad it's the weekend. i'm supposed to go over to beth's in an hour, but i'm in my pajamas... i'll go anyway, though, i think. i know i'll have fun once i am there. drinking kir.

i would be such an emotional wreck if not for the boys. hahahahaha. i kinda am anyway...

21 and invincible / i can't wait to fuck this up

i am so crazy on so many levels. here are some of my secrets revealed.

i need the closet doors to be shut before i go to sleep.
if i have a drink in my hand, i will drink it. i always need to be sipping something. (especially water)
i make life backup plans, because if i feel trapped in anything i will start to hyperventilate. this includes 9-5/5days a week jobs.
i can only sleep in beds on the left side of the room. otherwise i feel really uncomfortable.
i only walk on the right side of the sidewalk.
i overanalyze and rethink everything.
i hate lettuce.
the things i love the most i hate the most. paris, new york, stupid tv shows, certain friends... and anyway, i would rather feel anything but complacency.
i feel really naiive 95% of the time and that makes me really self-conscious.
i compulsively check my email every two seconds.
i love reading but it takes a lot of effort ... i have a tiny attention span.
i can talk myself into/out of anything.
the reason i am such a good liar is because i need those backup plans. my lies are ways to escape if necessary.
i hate admitting defeat/quitting anything. i've never quit anything in my life. i still have the same summer job i did when i was 13.
i am dramatic.
i must be a masochist, because i listen to sad music constantly and that actually makes me sad about something. usually something i've invented in my head.
i am scared to death to grow up and often wish to be back in high school.
i hate being surprised but i love when you try.
we've been in each others' heads for so long that i don't know how to separate myself from you and that is such an awful feeling.

things i am not :

1. a boy

la vie newyorkaise

so i am officially a new yorker. i barely have time to breathe. let's look at my schedule, from the time i leave gho to the time i get back.

monday : 9-6.30
tuesday 9-6
wednesday 9-6.30
thursday 9-6
friday 8.30-5.30

i cannot do this. or rather, i don't really want to do this, as i am 21 years old and don't want to be falling asleep at 10 on thursday and friday nights. this is the last year that i can get away with pulling the irresponsible college card (which i have never used), so i think i should take advantage of it.

i did try to..er..i did go out tuesday night. with nick and dennis and josh. it was too much fun, but i didn't get back til 1am and i had class at (let's check the schedule..) 9.30 the next day ALL DAY, and i just wanted to throw up the entire day because that is how much i drank.

additionally, i am not sure how i feel about my internship. they are really into rules there and i'm really afraid of fucking up and ruining something. this is big-league stuff and i still feel so stupid.

i do like my classes, i think. mostly because so many of my friends are in them. also because i like speaking in french and i get to do so for 3 hours.



now let's talk about something else. something more important than my half-hearted complaints.

last night, as i was walking home from union square in the dark, i paused at the arch (i can never remember which one is french and which one is english. same with the prononciation of 'archives').

anyway. i paused at the arch to look up 5th avenue, which i always love to see all lit up with the Empire State Building looming. so i looked and i waited and i felt nothing. not that humbling sense of "you are in new york city. wow." i felt nothing. so i tried to get in my head and explain that i live in new york city and that's a big deal. and i didn't really care. and i wanted to care. i want so badly for this all to be novel and exciting and wonderful again. and it's not. it feels tired and mundane and ordinary. and i know it's not!!!!

see. this is what i wanted not-to-happen.

and i walk down the street and i try to find the beautiful-by-accident things so that i can feel some sense of awe, and i just can't. that building is ugly and doesn't belong. scaffolding scaffolding scaffolding, closed shops, graffiti, police tape. nothing, nothing. and so in my head i pretend that they are haussman buildings instead and i really focus on that and i pretend that i can see the sky... how i miss the sky!

i do not do not do not do not do not do not do not want to feel like this.
I WANT MY NEW YORK AGAIN.
or rather, myself back again. that newyork-centric bitch who cried every time she left.



i am not by any means unhappy, for clarification. this semester does not compare in ANY WAY to last semester, in that this one is already better than the entirety of the fall. but i think it is because of the people. not the place.

ps. it has not even been two weeks and the minutes go by painstakingly slow.

la positive attitude

i wish i didn't come off as being so negative. i don't know when that started. unless i was always like that, but in my head i am so happy... i don't know why only the bitter/complainer thoughts are the ones that get spoken.

i woke up to snow again, and i am obsessed with it (as long as i don't have to drive in it). it gives such a sense of calmness. i wonder what it would be like to live in a snow globe.

Look! I didn't say "I hate snow. I wish it were spring already."

While I do miss the warm weather often (and the ability to wear skirts without tights), today I shall be content with this. Tomorrow, probably not. It's harder to deal with weather in a city, when your basic form of transportation is walking.

I need brown boots. I am really excited to find the perfect pair.

xoxo gossipgirl

looking forward to looking back

last night i made ratatouille. that was big for me, because i never make anything. i just don't get cooking. and i'm horrible at chopping. a knife should never be in my hands.

that being said, i want to learn to cook this year. i need to stop pretending that i am not 21 and on the verge of graduation, because i am. danielle's death was really a set-back to my growth. i was so afraid and just wanted to stay curled up in my room on long island forever, pretending i was still young enough to live here. i came home every weekend for over a month to do that.

last year was bad. i intend to be better this year. after ten days of living with bryan...well, he just makes me want to be better. that's mostly why i keep calling my latest eurotrip a rehab stint (although spending my days in isolation with only my own thoughts and the cold air to clear my head was also an awakening). it would be so much easier if i lived there. i'll just have to keep this inspiration with me til la prochaine...

speaking of horrible distances, i found this in a random blog of mine from a year and a half ago, and my psychic abilities are just astounding. " it might start in the spring and then just spiral out of control comes summer, and then life will turn into a series of sporatic long distance phone calls, occasional emails, postcards, and hurried trips across the atlantic on some spare time off."

xoxo
gossipgirl

another attempt, in boredom

how many blogs have i tried to start since high school? how many have i kept up with?

it's a new year and i guess maybe this time will be different. i know i say that every time.

long island is so boring, yet so calm. snow has been falling since i woke up - at an ungodly hour, due to my jet-lag which refuses to go away - and it muffles and blankets everything. there is nothing to be done on a such a snow y day, except for make pots and pots of tea and reading while curled up in the armchair with a blanket.

i wanted to spend the day with katy and the babies. they always keep me distracted for awhile and i like when amelia kisses my face. she will be a year old in a week, but i only met her six months ago. i still think that's weird.

i am excited and afraid to go back to the city. it has begun to bore me and that scares me. how can new york, the city of energy and movement, the place where nothing stands still for more than two seconds, that keeps buzzing just like neon-neon, how can that feel too familiar and mundane?

if anything, PARIS is boring. how slowly everything (and everyone) moves! and yet i find myself yearning for that joie de vivre.

i never meant for that to happen. no no no no no.