la vie newyorkaise

so i am officially a new yorker. i barely have time to breathe. let's look at my schedule, from the time i leave gho to the time i get back.

monday : 9-6.30
tuesday 9-6
wednesday 9-6.30
thursday 9-6
friday 8.30-5.30

i cannot do this. or rather, i don't really want to do this, as i am 21 years old and don't want to be falling asleep at 10 on thursday and friday nights. this is the last year that i can get away with pulling the irresponsible college card (which i have never used), so i think i should take advantage of it.

i did try to..er..i did go out tuesday night. with nick and dennis and josh. it was too much fun, but i didn't get back til 1am and i had class at (let's check the schedule..) 9.30 the next day ALL DAY, and i just wanted to throw up the entire day because that is how much i drank.

additionally, i am not sure how i feel about my internship. they are really into rules there and i'm really afraid of fucking up and ruining something. this is big-league stuff and i still feel so stupid.

i do like my classes, i think. mostly because so many of my friends are in them. also because i like speaking in french and i get to do so for 3 hours.



now let's talk about something else. something more important than my half-hearted complaints.

last night, as i was walking home from union square in the dark, i paused at the arch (i can never remember which one is french and which one is english. same with the prononciation of 'archives').

anyway. i paused at the arch to look up 5th avenue, which i always love to see all lit up with the Empire State Building looming. so i looked and i waited and i felt nothing. not that humbling sense of "you are in new york city. wow." i felt nothing. so i tried to get in my head and explain that i live in new york city and that's a big deal. and i didn't really care. and i wanted to care. i want so badly for this all to be novel and exciting and wonderful again. and it's not. it feels tired and mundane and ordinary. and i know it's not!!!!

see. this is what i wanted not-to-happen.

and i walk down the street and i try to find the beautiful-by-accident things so that i can feel some sense of awe, and i just can't. that building is ugly and doesn't belong. scaffolding scaffolding scaffolding, closed shops, graffiti, police tape. nothing, nothing. and so in my head i pretend that they are haussman buildings instead and i really focus on that and i pretend that i can see the sky... how i miss the sky!

i do not do not do not do not do not do not do not want to feel like this.
I WANT MY NEW YORK AGAIN.
or rather, myself back again. that newyork-centric bitch who cried every time she left.



i am not by any means unhappy, for clarification. this semester does not compare in ANY WAY to last semester, in that this one is already better than the entirety of the fall. but i think it is because of the people. not the place.

ps. it has not even been two weeks and the minutes go by painstakingly slow.