(still) lost!

i am so tired. and don't think i can keep fighting for this, because it's impossible to fight for something that isn't there.

admitting that whatever doesn't exist anymore really means that i am all alone, and that makes my entire body hurt.

how is it that, at the age of 21, i already feel like i've lost so much?

still mourning

oh i remember what we said as we lay down to bed / i'll be here you if you'll only come back home / oh lover, i'm lost because the road i've chosen beckons me away / oh lover, don't you roam / now i'm fighting words i never thought i'd say / i'll forgive you if you'll just come back home

advice.

people are always giving advice. on everything. i don't listen to most of it.

except when, senior year of high school, mr. willie told us all that the most important piece of advice he ever got was from his hs teacher --- go to class in college. i never forgot that. it helps. even if i don't pay attention, which i don't, just being there helps...

today at work, michael said something worth remembering. something like...

don't be so down on yourself. there are plenty of other people in life who are gonna try to bring you down, so the least you can do is be good to yourself.

just a girl in a panic

ugh. i am clinging to this thing for dear life, and it's like sand slowly slipping through my fingers and there's nothing i can do to hold on to it and it's pointless, really. it's an awful, out-of-control, i-wasn't-ready-for-this-although-i-expected-it, sort of feeling.

and it makes me wonder, a la carrie bradshaw....is the holding on scarier, or the letting go?

c'est too much

to be honest, i am sometimes very surprised at my resilience. sometimes it's all a lot... balancing classes, homework, essays, projects, internship, finding leisure time so i don't go insane, living on my own (so cooking and cleaning and etc), balancing my outings with friends, missing my best friend like crazy, trying to figure out my summer, my future, money situations, life drama... sometimes i want to cry. and i don't. i make plans, i trudge through, and it all passes eventually.

i have a giant to-do list for the month of april. and today, did almost half of an essay that's not due til next friday and i made a gigantic pot of lentil/bean stew that will last me two more dinners and i made a dent on the research for this bilingual project that i'm dreading...

and i looked at pictures from freshman year (bad idea) and i remembered how easy it all was and how amazing. i love my friends. they're all absolutely amazing and i wouldn't trade them for (almost ;)) anything. and yet, if i could go back to then, i might. we're all so much older...we've experienced so much in these past two years and i miss being that carefree and that blissfully happy. because i was. and so in love with the world...

oops i did it again ...

i am an extraordinarily selfish and bad best friend.

i complain about other people all the time, but really, i'm no better.

can i stay here with you

i miss that room.

it was basically mine and it smelled like cologne and laundry detergent and i used to fall asleep on the floor.

on vacations, when i would be on long island, i'd often fall asleep on the couch and wake up confused about where i was. i never thought i was in my own bed. i always wanted to be on that floor. to wake up elsewhere made me sad.

i try not to think about the past that much, or i would be continually mourning its loss.

i've had a great life so far, and there are things and people and places and moments in time that i miss so much.

i miss frost valley in 6th grade and i miss lit club after school on fridays and i miss being silly with kristin and cutting class with jesse and 1111 and sitting side by side with josh on my pink and yellow bed, our backs against the wall facing the window, discussing everything as we watched the sun go down and the city lights come up, and everything about bryan, and some things about paris, and people who are dead.

we grew up way too fast

i hung out with kristin today. being around her was really comfortable. it made me miss things a lot. old friends and less stressful times.

it got me thinkin that maybe coming back home after graduation to save money while attending grad school on long island wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

there are plenty of worse places to call home. in fact, long island is probably one of the better places. trashy? yes. deranged? yes. convenient? yes. location? check plus.


i don't want to go to back to class. ever. i'm planning my schedule for next semester because that helps me to feel like an end is in sight, even though it isn't nearly as close as i'd like.

irish and a class on versailles!!!!!! this core-class hell will be over in a month and a half... i can hold on til then, right?

not gone

ugh i just had the strangest dream.

maybe it was a reunion or something, but there was a pre-something party in my east islip bedroom. everyone was here: all of my friends since elementary school. my best friends (i had different ones almost every year) were all there. even sara and kelly came together (grades 4 and 5), and i'm sure they have barely spoken since then, too. kristin, the twins, danielle h and michelle and vicki and jenn...everyone was there except danielle, i noted. but obviously. because she's not here anymore.

except later, she was. we were all at some weird camping thing, and i was heading i-forget-where, but in the direction of her house, and that made me nervous because i really didn't want to see vinny or her mom because that would kill me. i didn't see them, but she was there. we hugged for a very long time and i didn't know what to say.

and then it got like a stephanie myers' paranormal/sci-fi book, because this person that had danielle's body told me she wasn't danielle, but danielle's alright and it would be ok. i followed her home, to danielle's house, which was now a cabin in the woods. and we sat and had fun for awhile, and i cried for awhile, and when it was time for me to leave i ran to go tell someone what i'd just seen, and i found maria and the twins, but then i woke up...

i know i hadn't spoken to danielle since high school, save a few myspace messages initiated by her, but i miss her and i hate the fact that i will never get to hear her voice or her laugh again. she was so cool and so funny and so pretty and such a good friend in such a critical period of life.

"I know I barely see you, Bridgie," she wrote in my yearbook, "but I still consider you one of my closest friends."

Goddammit.

if you'll just come back home

uh-oh. ([glottal stop])

blah for the past few weeks i've been all "new york!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111"
looking up the avenues (specifically 7th and 5th) made me feel small and lucky and in love with the city again.

now i am on long island. it is nice having nothing to do, but oh i forgot --- i get so extremely bored so quickly.

and everyone else is goin' (/went) on an airplane.

i've become quite accustomed to plane travel, and while i hate the flights themselves, i am obsessed and in love with airports.
because no matter what they can never and will never be mundane.

i haven't been on an airplane in two months. only two months!!! that's not long at all, considering the long gap between july and january, which i survived last year.
though come to think of it, i was horribly depressed in the fall.

i want an adventure! sososososososo badly.

and at first i was thinking may, but then i thought august would be better because it is closer to christmastime and i'd have more money after a summer of working my ass off. and europe would be my goal and my reward.

but today i realized damn. that's five long months from now. five very long months. longer than my entire time in paris last spring. which seemed very very long.

and it's only been two months and three days since i was last there!!!!!
so if 2 months and 3 days feels like an eternity, how in the world will another 5 months and 3 days feel ???????????????????????

DEATH BY BOREDOM and severe best-friend-lacking.

home life

hi.
i'm really excited to go home. it's gonna be so nice!
spring is almost here. we can all feel it.
the cafe owners are getting antsy for it, as is the general public.
you can tell because they are starting to set up their outside-tables, though it is not quite warm enough for it yet.
people sit outside and drink their aperitifs, though it is not quite warm enough for it yet.

i am so relieved that it is spring break nearly (one homework assignment and one day of interning away), but i'm already not looking forward to coming back.
none of my classes are really easy.

i'm taking irish next semester. it fits in perfectly with my M/W schedule.

i have a lot of emails to write. blah.

viva la vida.

i miss europe and i'm jealous of everyone's spring break plans, even though i know i have been there by far the most in the past year, sauf lui qui habite la.

maybe this summer....hopefully with genvie....

for me formidable

lol. who am i kidding? i do this every time.
but no way will i give up without a fight.

additionally, i lied at work today that i saw britney in concert to impress the gays... while i was successful, i'm also a little embarrassed that i would stoop that low.

i'm in a stupidly good mood.

un espoir dans le doute

every day i wake up and check my email, thinking maybe i'll get qqch that is like "oh, just kidding!" but it's been a month minus 2 days and i have yet to receive anything of the sort.

am i so naiive? maybe.
but did i ever think this would happen? yes. in the past.
not this year. this year i was trying to trust it. i thought it was stronger.
sans limites, i thought. some of my friends told me.
maybe that wasn't true.

i dare not tell that many people, for it is sad and embarrassing. and nobody really knows what to say to make me feel better anyway. because what would?

part of me is fine. sometimes i can ignore the gaping hole in my heart. and sometimes i pretend everything is fine and it works, i think, or nobody cares enough to notice. and then i come home and ah...

i have to do something about these pictures...

broken

my suitemate dropped my paris plate on the floor. it was plastic. but it shattered.
it was pink and heart-shaped and for children. it had all of the landmarks on it.
i was in love with it and every time i used it i was happy.

it was just a plate. it was a plastic plate for children.
it only cost 4e.
it was just a thing. just a plate.

why am i so sad?

i get too attached to things.

that is a fault.

it was from one of the gift shops by notre dame... my mom bought it for me. almost a year ago...

i want to go home.

well i've kinda had the best weekend ever, cause friday night was nick's birthday dinner (de-lish) and party at stonewall (epic), and last night i went to indian food with the girls and molly's roomie from rome.

indian food was awful.
i don't know if it's usually because i'm drunk or what, but it made me sad. the food wasn't spectacular, i think prices increased, and you know... it's just not the same, and that put me in a bad mood because i've been making a real effort and it seems i am powerless.

afterwards i met up with brian and his boyfriend at the washington square diner, where apparently they don't card. how trashy to drink in a diner? but it was pretty much awesome. and nick came after a little while to hang out with me and walked me home <3.

we had also spend the entire day outside, both at the pier and walking up and down bleecker street because there was an employee dressed as a rat in the little marc store, dancing and sometimes spinning in a giant hamster wheel.

it was pretty amazing.
we ate our banana pudding (also AMAZING) in front of the store, just watching to see if the rat would tire...he did not.

now today i have to do homework.
i can't wait for spring break...i want to go home.

here's to silence

i am so frustrated.

i really need and want to stop caring.

no. this time i really mean it.

i just don't know HOW.

stop watching that goddamn tv show, for starters.



also, i just want someone to try to understand me. for even a second.
does it matter more that it's silly or that it's important to me??
no one, absolutely no one sees how hard this is for me.

it's nothing. nothing, nothing, nothing.
how did it ever get this bad?

it's better. i'll stop suffocating eventually and start living on my own.

i just want to fast-forward til it's all over and it stops tearing my heart apart.

lost!

today is my friend's twenty-first birthday.
she is not getting drunk right now.
because somebody killed her.

and i look at the picture on my desk, and i remember when we were younger and we had such big dreams, and yet the only thing that really mattered was the day-to-day. the little things. the tennis games we won and lost. the jokes we told. the boys we flirted with.

and then i remember the wake and her lying there. and how i lost it and ran out of the room and i was crying so hard i couldn't breathe.

and now here i am, almost five months later, and i feel numb. numb to the pain, but angry.

-----------------------------------------------
today at work i was asked to read an entire 'true crime' manuscript. today of all days, i read 300 pages about a woman getting shot in a car.

i didn't want to do it. that's not what i want to be reading ever, and also, i was scared to death to submit my evaluation on it to the big boss. but i worked hard on it because i knew this was my maybe only chance to prove i belonged there. i "nailed it."
-------------------------------------------------
i have never felt more lost. and yet, not.

does that make sense? i don't know what's going to happen, but i know what's happening and i know how i have to work through it.

i am unhappy. and yet, i have never been happier.

one thing specifically is falling apart, but everything else is coming together, slowly and with much effort. i know i'll survive all of this. even if i want to tear the photographs off the wall and scatter their pieces down greenwich st.