not gone

ugh i just had the strangest dream.

maybe it was a reunion or something, but there was a pre-something party in my east islip bedroom. everyone was here: all of my friends since elementary school. my best friends (i had different ones almost every year) were all there. even sara and kelly came together (grades 4 and 5), and i'm sure they have barely spoken since then, too. kristin, the twins, danielle h and michelle and vicki and jenn...everyone was there except danielle, i noted. but obviously. because she's not here anymore.

except later, she was. we were all at some weird camping thing, and i was heading i-forget-where, but in the direction of her house, and that made me nervous because i really didn't want to see vinny or her mom because that would kill me. i didn't see them, but she was there. we hugged for a very long time and i didn't know what to say.

and then it got like a stephanie myers' paranormal/sci-fi book, because this person that had danielle's body told me she wasn't danielle, but danielle's alright and it would be ok. i followed her home, to danielle's house, which was now a cabin in the woods. and we sat and had fun for awhile, and i cried for awhile, and when it was time for me to leave i ran to go tell someone what i'd just seen, and i found maria and the twins, but then i woke up...

i know i hadn't spoken to danielle since high school, save a few myspace messages initiated by her, but i miss her and i hate the fact that i will never get to hear her voice or her laugh again. she was so cool and so funny and so pretty and such a good friend in such a critical period of life.

"I know I barely see you, Bridgie," she wrote in my yearbook, "but I still consider you one of my closest friends."

Goddammit.