twenty-one and (not) invincible

i don't have a myspace anymore.
i deleted it because i didn't want to see danielle's page or see all the comments she wrote on my wall.

i never tell people that's the reason, but i want to.
i just laugh and say "myspace is so high school."

so many things are so high school...so innocent.
never in a million years did i think danielle wouldn't be here anymore.
we barely kept in touch, but she was such a huge part of my life and we were always amicable. and i did miss her. i genuinely liked her so much. she was one of the funniest people i have ever met in my life.

danielle's twenty-first birthday is in three days.
i don't like to think about how vinny or her parents are handling it.
danielle adored vinny. it was so hard to see him at the wake. i can't even imagine...

i remember danielle's ...i guess it was probably 13th birthday. we all slept over in her basement. or really, stayed up all night. and went to the deli the next morning. she and i loved to go to the deli. and the next day i went home and had to go to church. and i fell asleep. in church. and we were sitting in the second row, too. i've never been so tired. such a fun night. i learned a lot about wicca that night, from jessica...


i can't believe danielle is dead. i think about her almost every day. and when a few days go by and i don't, and then i remember again, i am shocked and i get like this and it hurts all over again.


goddammit.


it isn't fair.

an open letter to france

dear france,
i hate you and your inability to choose a government that suits you, as i believe we discussed a year ago.

i also hate you for other things, too. including, but of course not limited to, ruining my life.

i wish i could be lazy like your people and watch TV all day. american shows stupidly dubbed in your language. but you aren't fooling anyone. they are american, and your own shows suck. putting a 'la' in front of 'gossip girl' doesn't make it french.

little to no love from,
bridget

have / don't have v.1

i have :
- a headache
- a comfortable bed that i can't yet lay in
- pandora/realized what i've been missing/a playlist full of teenybopper music

i don't have :
- my homework done
- a thesis for my outline
- the ability to quickly recall the english word for outline
- chocolate
- motivation
- time

i was going to say i was mad but that's not entirely true. sans espoir or sad, yes, maybe.

today had ups and downs.
let's go over the downs :
-bad dream
-crying on way to class
-international postage fees
-i fucked up because i have a big mouth
-leaving my bag with my money, credit cards, metro cards, gift certificates, keychain, IDs, and lucky ten euros in silver. not realizing til i was all the way by 7th ave. running back sobbing. finding my bag.
-it was really cold

ups :
- i stalked the set of gossip girl for two hours instead of doing my homework. i saw little j and lonely boy and rufus. dan humphrey/penn badgley looked at me. he was beautiful.
- i'm not dead.

just because i'm hurting doesn't mean i'm hurt

i hate dreams.
i hate that you have no control over them.
i went to bed relatively okay and now i am crying.
nobody invited you.
s t a y a w a y f r o m m e .

damn this.



what is the worst is that i didn't do anything
and if i did, i'd be sorry, and even now i am sorry but i really didn't do anything
and i want it to stop.
far too long of clinging for dear life.
and i know this and want to stop and i can't can't can't let go.

just pretend

three years of daily if not hourly bullshit.
nonstop texts, late night phone calls that scared me out of sleep.
and now
nothing?


okay.
whatever.

i hate vanessa.

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take back the city for yourself tonight

a crazy radical club called takebacknyu decided to take over kimmel for two days. it was thrilling. meredith and i were among hundreds protesting the protest late thursday night/early friday morning (we were outside from midnight to 2!! it was very cold).

today nick and i wandered around the west village and chelsea for hours and hours. i was indecisive and bitter and a bitch, so it was a fun time for everyone.


i am struggling, once again, with the same issue i always have.

i want to rip down all of the pictures on my wall and cry.
i'm not sad. just frustrated and bitter and done.

pause

david and alan's house is RIDICULOUS. it is nicer than any hotel i've stayed at. and yes, i think that includes ireland's ashford castle, one of the top 100 hotels in the whole wide world. i will never get to have a house like that, i'm sure.

i had such a relaxing weekend upstate. i was able to see more stars than maybe i've ever seen in my life -- or at least a long while.

when we dropped my brother off at new paltz, i was jealous. i had always wanted to go to school in new paltz. i would've fit in ridiculously easy and wouldn't have to dress up for class and wouldn't be stressed out about anything, because it's impossible not to be relaxed and enjoy nature and the daily things there. such a small town, such a different life.

i absolutely hate cities, yet i'm obsessed with them. they keep pulling me in, and i long for a quieter life... i wonder if i'll ever get that.

but hahaha, if i had gone to new paltz, how different my life would be!!!!! i wouldn't have you all. i probably wouldn't have gone to paris, either. and i certainly wouldn't be going back and forth to visit bryan...

fucked. up.

do you know why i write in this blog so often? because nobody really listens to me. i wish for one minute that the girls would stop judging me and just listen and try to understand instead of saying "wow, i really don't understand you..."


what is wrong with me!?!? i read a manuscript today with a pretty explicit gay sex scene. and all i could think was "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. adorable!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I WISH I WERE A BOY!!!!!!!!! or, at least actually wanted to be one. but i don't. i like being a girl. and i'm rather good at it. i just wish i were born a boy. because then i wouldn't want to be a girl. probably.

my life is so confusing. everything about me is wrong and backwards and how will i ever be truly happy and properly in love if my fucked up brain thinks that all boys would be better off with other boys?

on valentine's day

i've never been upset on valentine's day before. i love it. pink and glittery goodness.


and then i just realized, as if for the first time, that nobody is going to come home and surprise me with flowers tomorrow.

gay

i try my hardest every day to not be a nadine or a naomi, but there's absolutely nothing i can do about being a grace.

friends

i feel like i never do anything nice for my friends anymore.



so on my way to class, i broke my resolve and stopped by claude's (pablo's?) and bought pain au chocolats for my friends in french class.

everyone was so happy. it made me ridiculously pleased.

that and the 60 degree + sunny weather.

not a nadine

1. i refuse to be a nadine. i don't know if i was au passe, but i will not be starting now.



2. i love my friends so much. last semester, last summer even, i often felt like i had none. pas du tout le cas. they are all so wonderful. how lucky am i?


3. what in the world made eric mccormack, in the ancient and still rather backwards year of 1998, agree to play will truman? did he know that he would forever change/become one of the most influential icons of gay pop culture?

on why viva la vida is the best song ever

this is something i've been thinking about since summer. usually my favorite songs are ones with meaningful words and a pretty little melody. not the case with 'viva la vida,' what i think i consider to be the best song ever. i don't even understand what chris martin is trying to say, semantically, and sometimes i can't even understand what words he is actually singing. and yet...greatness. it is like the entire world came together for this song. the planets aligned. there is this unreal, epic energy.

i usually get sick of things pretty quickly.

that being said, 'viva la vida' is like 'wedding crashers,' in that if it is on i am physically incapable of turning it off. even if it was just on another channel right before it.

to girl in class

dear girl in class who usually sits in the second row,
i hate you. i really really think i hate you. and i don't even know you. i can't even remember your name, although the prof is forced to call on you at least ten times per class. i hate your voice. i hate your stupidity. i wonder if you think about what you ask before you ask it. i wonder if you think people in the class care to hear each time that you ask a question, n'importe quelle sujet, that you studied abroad in paris in high school. i don't care whether you consider yourself bilingual or not. i do not care about you and i really want you to stop writing pages of notes in full sentences so that you can hear when the prof mentions a date (i had the displeasure of sitting near you today). i also want you to stop chiming in every time someone else raises their hand to speak. you are neither the professor nor the TA, as far as i know. additionally, this is your first linguistics class (and i'm guessing maybe your first year at nyu). you don't know ANYTHING. would it be rude if, during the next class, i turned around and begged you to stop talking? you make me hate myself and my life and dread the hour that i spend in that classroom. you make me want to take my pen and stick it in my eyeballs. you are so unpleasant.

not quite fondly,
bridget

sweethearts

"sometimes i still stare into space and think about cameron. i think about how there are certain people who come into your life and leave a mark. i don't mean the usual faint impression: he was cute, she was nice...and i don't just mean that they change you. a lot of people can change you-the first kid who called you a name, the first teacher that called you smart. it's the change you remember, the firsts and what they mean, not really the people.

i'm talking about the ones who, for whatever reason, are as much a part of you as your own soul. their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business...just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless. if you had a lifetime to talk, there would still be things left unsaid." -extrait from the critically acclaimed young adult novel, sweethearts.

every day.
xoxo, b

lentement dirigé / sensualité

so here's the thing. i don't have much to say -- i just reeeealllyyy don' t want to do my homework.

friday night was disastrous, but such fun at first! twas genvie's birthday party, so we all went out. i drank much too much and upon arriving home, spent an hour in the bathroom throwing it up. yesterday i barely got out of bed.

my life is significantly different with everyone back in it --- holly, molly, gen, cooper --- even taylor and binata and leah. with all of them plus my dear paris friends who i have grown so close to in the last year, plus nick and dennis, i am quite the social butterfly. last semester was awful.

what is up with 21 year old bridget? she throws up way more than she has ever done so in her life, and she is ridiculously mellow, although still of course is la reine de drame (and of mood-swings). she cuts her finger and goes to the hospital and instead of crying, makes jokes about it. i do not know this girl. people seem to like her more, though.

what else is new? on friday at work, i got to do things for michael. that means YOUNG ADULT BOOKS. he really understands what i like. / it takes a special kind of adult person to prefer children's /YA books. and we are both said person. he gave me a book to keep/read and all i want to do is read it right now, instead of having to do homework.

mais si je fais mes devoirs, je peux sortir... the high for today is supposed to be 50, but weather.com already says "53, feels like 53" --- for right now. 8 am. maybe a stroll through chelsea is in order. i have to collect things for bryan's birthday present.

it's annoying that he's so far away, although sometimes i think it's better for now. the last time we lived in the same city --well over a year ago now -- we were killing each other. self-absorbtion vs. crazy equals needy suffocation, not happiness. i'm still obviously crazy, but look how far i've come this year already --- i'm getting there. funnily, most of this change happened in paris, while wandering the champs elysées toute seule.

if things continue the way they are going, that day on the champs might be one of those defining life moments. i've had a lot of false alarms in the past, but my resolve was obviously broken. not this time. not yet.

xoxo, b

ghosts

you know that episode of will & grace? the thanksgiving one that's an 80s flashback. or maybe it's the one where grace finds out that will slept with that girl right after they had broken up in college. right after he wouldn't sleep with her. i can't remember her name anymore. that's not important.

anyway. it's the end of one of those episodes. i think the thanksgiving one. and will and grace get into a fight and grace runs out into the rain and will follows her, and they are outside of d'agostini's. and blahblah, tears, laughter, kisses, they walk out of the shot holding hands. the doors of d'agostini open and will & grace, 80s version of themselves, walk out. tears, laughter, kisses, and they walk out of the shot holding hands.

what i'm getting at is that sometimes i feel like that. i'll walk by a place and feel that my past self will walk out at any moment. downtown is so haunted. every time i walk by the associated at night, i feel that i'll see me and bryan walk out at any moment, heading back after a late-night ice cream run in our pajamas. or when i walk by what used to be le figaro cafe. i expect to see josh there. or bar pitti - that night when we pretended to be grownups and you brought your story and i brought my red pen, and we discussed it over water (pretend wine) and fresh mozzerella. or in the window at la maison, or across from our old dorms, or on a street corner. the ghosts are everywhere.

or every every single time that, at night, i turn and look up 7th ave, seeing the empire state building all lit up and the bright lights of the cabs rushing downtown. i think of that night we walked back from times square, forever immortalized in one of your stories.

the ghosts are everywhere. i'm never really alone; the memories are haunting.

this is comforting, but it drenches the world in an irreversable melancholy for days past...

across an ocean

this is another post entitled "i miss my best friend" because bah, nobody else makes me giggle so much and nobody else knows what i am thinking without me saying anything. nobody else knows what i got them for christmas after all i said is "i got you a christmas present." "is it something soft?" "i don't know." "so i really need to go scarf shopping..." bah, cette vie, la distance, quoi...c'est too-much. it is worse, much worse after skyping. and with this schedule, that only can happen once a week now.

anyway. i'm annoyed that it's monday again/already. quite annoyed. i didn't finish my homework. i have so much reading and it takes me such a fucking long time to do.

last night was our valentine-making-party and it was wonderful, quite wonderful to see everyone and to have everyone in the same room again. freshman year was...magique, quoi.

i hung out with molly and cooper and genvie the other day. it was so nice. i want to do that often.

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what have i learned lately? nothing huge. i suppose this is something i always already knew, but the words of it finally popped into my head. anyway. circumstances will change and you just have to figure out how to deal with them. otherwise you'll be stuck. and it's easier if you just roll with it and don't dwell on how things used to be. i learned that nobody really knows what they're doing; it's not just me. there's comfort in knowing that, whatever happens, we're in this together, me and you. and we'll figure it out together. i'm actually still not alone. it's easier when you have someone. i don't know why i doubt the forever-ness of it all. it's been so long and so much that now it's a forever-kind-of-thing. it's gotta be.

i still think about danielle almost every day. her 21st birthday would be in a month and a day. she won't even get to turn 21.