ghosts

you know that episode of will & grace? the thanksgiving one that's an 80s flashback. or maybe it's the one where grace finds out that will slept with that girl right after they had broken up in college. right after he wouldn't sleep with her. i can't remember her name anymore. that's not important.

anyway. it's the end of one of those episodes. i think the thanksgiving one. and will and grace get into a fight and grace runs out into the rain and will follows her, and they are outside of d'agostini's. and blahblah, tears, laughter, kisses, they walk out of the shot holding hands. the doors of d'agostini open and will & grace, 80s version of themselves, walk out. tears, laughter, kisses, and they walk out of the shot holding hands.

what i'm getting at is that sometimes i feel like that. i'll walk by a place and feel that my past self will walk out at any moment. downtown is so haunted. every time i walk by the associated at night, i feel that i'll see me and bryan walk out at any moment, heading back after a late-night ice cream run in our pajamas. or when i walk by what used to be le figaro cafe. i expect to see josh there. or bar pitti - that night when we pretended to be grownups and you brought your story and i brought my red pen, and we discussed it over water (pretend wine) and fresh mozzerella. or in the window at la maison, or across from our old dorms, or on a street corner. the ghosts are everywhere.

or every every single time that, at night, i turn and look up 7th ave, seeing the empire state building all lit up and the bright lights of the cabs rushing downtown. i think of that night we walked back from times square, forever immortalized in one of your stories.

the ghosts are everywhere. i'm never really alone; the memories are haunting.

this is comforting, but it drenches the world in an irreversable melancholy for days past...