books.

why did i leave all of my journals in the city??? now i have nothing left but this blog -- this impersonal form of record keeping.

i just need to sing the praises of BEAUTIFUL CREATURES.

BEAUTIFUL CREATURES, BEAUTIFUL CREATURES, BEAUTIFUL CREATURES!

it's one of THOSE books. one of those books that you can't stop thinking about.

one of those books that'll haunt you for awhile.

ahhh i can't stand it.

it's one of those --- one of those "it's over; what am i supposed to do now??" kinds of books. like HARRY POTTER, a bit like TWILIGHT (ugh), like VAMPIRE ACADEMY, like CS Lewis and Tolkien, like Louisa May Alcott...

It's one of those books that are bigger than your own reality.  It's epic. It's life-changing.

And frustrating.  Because what do you do now? You ride it out until you learn how to live with it in your life, til it becomes less exciting and new.  You read other books and try to get through it.

I bought RUINED because I really liked the way RUINED was spelt on the cover -- twined in iron as the words on a gate ... 

RUINED won't be as good as BEAUTIFUL CREATURES.

How can anything ever be that good again???

the truth is that it really doesn't matter whether i see you or not, and i put so much energy into trying to keep you relevant that i often wonder if it's worth it.

i'm not very good with schedules. i feel so trapped. 

and so it is monday night again, and i am in a horrid mood. i'm getting sick of this routine and even the things that i love/look forward to seem mundane and boring. i was so happy this morning and now i am being so negative. 

it doesn't help that i am annoyed at everyone right now (mostly for no fault of their own, except in one particular case, not naming names).  

i need a vacation. i don't know what i need.  what i want.  

 i talked to bryan for an hour today and then we hung up and i cried because i wish we were in the same place and i wish life were easier. 

now i am home alone, listening to gregory on repeat (RIP

but honestly, what's the point ?

i hate girls.

i think it is disgusting how some girls treat their gay friends as like ... pieces of jewelry.  and if they were doing a bridget jones type introduction, the 'fun fact' they'd choose would be..."this is colin: he's gay." like it's that one-defining characteristic, like that's the only thing that matters, like it's some freakish novel thing.  ridiculous.



no one would ever introduce me as "this is bridget, she's straight..."

except they have.
at a lesbian bar.
so i guess it's acceptable then.

gone

paris, amsterdam, london --- i keep saying i can't leave new york, but why not?? what if i did??

oh god... 

aaall by myself ...

i wonder why the people i like the most are the ones that don't (want to) live in new york anymore. 

i love this city. and i understand why they want to leave, but i don't understand why i'm so set on staying here. bryan's right -- it's probably because i'm afraid.

in about a month it'll be just me again. i mean, i guess it had been 'just me' for almost two years now, but recently i've found a bryan-equivalent in michael.  i guess it is because they are both horribly interesting, oddly friendly (for people in this town), are the kinds of people who would say "bless you" to strangers on the street (rare, again, here), and because they both look at me the same way. it's a look that's all-knowing, part reprimanding, part pleased. it's a look that says "i've got you figured out."  whether they know it or not, that's the way they look at me.  nobody else does/has ever. 

that's probably what i miss the most about bryan.  i love my friends incredibly, and they all know me -- to an extent -- but it's not the same.  it's hard to explain it, and i'd just end up pissing everyone off anyway.  which i do anyway, by not loving them enough. 


and to have found that again, and be losing that again ... well, i'm not looking forward to it. 


i woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't sleep, so i spent two hours IMing with bryan instead, who layed out this elaborate plan in which i moved to paris and we lived together.  

i don't know what's keeping me here ... 

i still can't believe danielle is dead... in a week, it will have been a year and it still feels so much more recent than that.

but we carry on, right?
if for no other reason than because we have no other choice ...

a progression of thoughts :

my roommate apparently went away for the weekend.
guess it's two days/nights of just me ....
what if someone breaks in and murders me?
oh well.
i'm so tired. i'm going to go to sleep.




i am so apathetic. i guess that's the way to be. i wish every day were friday and i could spend the day interning at d&g. is that pathetic?? maybe.

i should be so happy. i love duplex and my friends. and yet.........

i kinda just want to go home.

i feel really weird.

i don't think about it much while i'm at work/i still like being at work, but other than that, i really just want to go home.

or paris.

hello.

so i guess it's been awhile. i guess i've been busy...

i was completely in love with my new apartment until about five days ago, when i awoke to the noises that scratchy little claws make on wood floors. there was a mouse at the foot of my bed. at the time, i wasn't sure if it was a mouse or a rat, so i was basically crying. i later saw it and confirmed it was a mouse. it visited again the next night -- but not in my room, for now every night i barricade the little crack under my door with rugs and that random sheet that bryan got from god knows where.

i do not think it visited last night, because i was basically awake for the entire night. fml. i do not know why i'm so afraid of mice, or why i have such a big imagination, but something has to stop. and i think that something is, i have to give up super paranormal books and ghost shows for awhile. i'm twenty-one years old; i should be behaving better.

classes are fine. the only one really worth it is irish. i am obsessed with ireland.

my internship is generally great.

but i'm tired of everything today. or maybe just tired.

so, tomorrow morning i make the annual (bi-annual, in the past years) trek to new york city with all of my shit. it's only 40 miles, but it feels so much further.

i hate :
packing up my room
saying goodbye to my family

and i know i love being at school, and i know that when may rolls around i never want to come home, but right now i just don't want to leave. i hate moving ; it always seems so final. and who knows what will happen in between now and whenever i find myself here again?

i don't know why i always think like that. everything always seems so final. it's like i'm already an old lady and expect everyone to just die. maybe it's the combination of being a part of the millennial generation (teens on september 11, 2001) and seeing so much unexpected loss recently. i think about it every day. who knows if i'll even make it to the city tomorrow? anything can happen in a minute, let alone twelve hours. this is fucked up and i don't want to think like this. i don't want to grow up.

but what have i learned in college? two things that i repeat to myself often, hoping that they will sink in
--- learn to accept what you cannot change, and don't be afraid.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
on a side note, i found this in an article and thought it was interesting:
"The Millennial Generation is, in many ways, a generation of contrasts - e.g., they are both team-oriented and narcissistic; they are said to be optimistic, yet also cyncial; they do volunteer activities but the motivies are unclear."

so long . . .

well, summer is over. basically.

it was my last day of work at atlantique. maybe/probably forever, but who am i to say?

i'm really sad about it and i don't know why. i don't want to be sad. i want to be excited to move on. to move in to my waverly place apartment, start up my internship again, take some hopefully interesting classes, drink til i forget how to meander the winding west village streets on the way home from cubby on tuesday nights...

maybe it's because summer is over and it is my last real summer. for the rest of my life. ohmygod-don't think like that. that makes me want to vomit. i hate the word 'forever' so badly.

maybe it's because it is my only real daily contact with non-nyu/city kids. it's hard to relate to other people. it is. and right now, right at this moment, i'm wondering what it would be like if i chose to go to a state school in a small town upstate. would i be a sweatpant wearing, beer from a red plastic cup drinking, beer pong playing girl? would i be the kind of girl that was so stoked for her 21st birthday because it meant she could get in to boardy barn, the bar capital of trashy long island?

normally i don't care, because i'm not interested. but i feel like everything would be so much easier if that were me. i wouldn't be the weird one anymore. nyu and the west village ruined me, and i was already a little weird to begin with. i am a skirt wearing, wine drinking, glitter loving, publishing interning girl (hag).

i am a freak. one of the rare weird long island children who don't really belong here.

but i want to fit in. i feel like i am missing out and i wonder what it would be like and how much easier my life would be...

would i be a loser?
probably. but i'd be so cool...

books.

there are two bookshelves in my room. they stand on either side of the double set of windows, majestically framing the small yellow room. though the one on the righthand side was only acquired at the beginning of the season, it too is already filled with novels -- fiction, mostly. fantasy, classics, and young adult volumes that i either bought on sale at barnes and noble or got from my internship. most are in english, but an entire shelf is dedicated to French books -- 19th century classics and modern day novellas, or autobiographies of the struggling youth in the Parisian banlieues (suburbs).

what sort of twenty-one year old non-literature major has two floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in her bedroom?

two bookshelves.

and yet, after glancing at each title, i find myself pathetic.

twenty-one years, two bookshelves.
is that all ?

realization n482929

i am drew barrymore in SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

a secondary character; a delusional, daydream-believer who has works for the city's gay newspaper, who fakes relationships in her head and hangs out with gays all day long and fixes other people's problems/sets other people up.

clearly someone cast drew in that role as a cruel joke (a wake-up call?), because at one point in our lives (early childhood), we looked very similar to the point where people asked if i was her.

drew found a guy in the end. how will bridget's story end? (how does she even want it to end?)

literary musings.

is the HOUSE OF NIGHT series really that good, or has the BLUE BLOODS series just lowered my expectations for a good YA vampire read that much? (sorry melissa de la cruz...you're still my idol.)

either way, VAMPIRE ACADEMY number 4 in 16 days.

5 things

me, according to my sister :

rather be v.2.0

Hotel Argo, Mykonos, Greece. At the pool bar, with the hot (I still say he is gay) bartender who gave us free not great strawberry drinks and played a lot of Britney Spears/Madonna.



Autumn in New York : soon enough, I suppose, but I've about had enough of highs in the 80s and all that sand at the beach :


Summer in Paris, a season I have yet to experience but am sure I would rather enjoy because it eliminates two of my least favorite Parisian things --- freezing cold sans heat, and Parisians.

Last but not least, I would rather be still sleeping. Because I'm sick of my job(s) and I have to work both of them today. The weekend is so close, but still so far away...

i had a dream that my little brother got shot in the back of the head and i was the only one with him, and i had to get him to the hospital and he died in my arms.

i woke up sobbing and it is only 5.30 in the morning and i feel so incredibly horrible right now that i am beside myself.

walking new york.

so every autumn, i am known to walk for oddly long distances around the city.

this year, i think i shall go north. christopher street to riverside park, peut-etre? maybe via the west side highway, maybe through the city herself.

2007 : we started at 6am and walked from c-street round the bottom tip of the island, all the way back up to union square (and back to the w.vill).

the pier at 6am :


south street seaport, many hours/miles later :


washington square park again, more miles/hours later, with new our baby, andy :



2008 : i walked from south street seaport to the metropolitan museum of art. and then didn't go inside. (i totally forgot that this ever happened until last night, when i mused "did i really do that!? am i crazy??")

a photo from that day, 2008 : a bench i rested near :

i like to look at other people's pictures of paris (especially paris in the sun, with sickeningly beautiful blue skies and the greenest grass and cartoon perfect clouds) on facebook because i am a masochist.

sigh.

i never mean to miss paris.

but sometimes i do.
oh i do...


to be drunkenly traipsing along the river at night, the eiffel tower sparkling and guiding me home to my horribly creepy apartment but adorably lovely bedroom...!

of course i am talking about the first two weeks of may 2008, and my last two weeks in paris.

if i could live those weeks over and over again (minus the finals, please), i would do it.


please someone speak french with me. i feel like i am losing my mind.

it's just that at night i've got nowhere to hide

"She said she usually cried at least once each day, not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short." - Brian Andreas

i guess you never really get over deaths of loved ones. right after the fact, it's like an obsession and it's all you can think about. you learn to live with it, think about it less, but that doesn't stop it from hurting sometimes. and then you find something of that person's and it hits you again that it won't ever need to use it again, because they are not alive. or passing by a street every day. or reading an article about deaths from gang violence in the area. or anything, really.

oh well.

we carry on.

lucky.

i often don't get what i want. i'm not really complaining, but the odds are usually against me (especially when it seems as though they should be in my favor). i can work really hard for something, there can be no reason that it shouldn't work out, and yet, it doesn't and i am heartbroken because i take things too personally/too seriously/am too self-critical.

can i possibly get my dream apartment (or, at least, a cute/charming apartment in my dream location) AND the perfect internship, without doing much work for either??

i didn't think so, but it seems i am wrong. plans are being made for move-ins and weekly schedules, and i am just beyond thrilled and feel beyond lucky.

la nostalgie

This is a great article.

It's really true. And I think their explanation is valid. It feels like we are worlds away from where we were in the 90s... everything just moves so quickly these days...

i used to be a writer -

musings from my high school diary :

"Everything's been so hard lately. Life has been so hard," he said in that tired voice that has become so familiar of late, as they walked together, side-by-side, for the first time in a long time. "You know what you should do then?" she asked seriously. He looked at her and quickly replied, "What?" After a brief pause, she smiled and answered "Fix it!" and then laughed & laughed. You could tell that he was smiling as well when he protested, "No! I can't!" But her optimism haunted him for awhile."

"I get a sort of sick pleasure from being heartbroken & independent. "

"And in those moments, when you realize [again] that life is so much bigger than you - - it's amazing. And stupid stuff doesn't matter and can just be shrugged off, because you'll always have these larger ideals and a bigger purpose than trivialities.

I love moments of enlightenment. "

"I watched you this morning, saw you notice me. Saw you look thoughtful and then slowly walk over, sit backwards on the desk so that we were facing each other. And we just stared at one another for the seven minutes that remained in homeroom.
Sometimes looks mean so much more than words. And sometimes, there is just nothing left to say. "

" everyone's a little queer,
why can't you be a little straight?

Sometimes, I really think I'm fooling myself.

Whatever makes you happy. :( " <---------just goes to show you, i am ever the same.

""No!" she laughed shyly, clearly embarrassed by the question though the sparkle in her eye as she glanced back at the old photograph seemed to tell otherwise. "No," she repeated, this time softer, with a forlorn look of longing that would've been enough to break even the hardest of hearts. "


"she was sitting at the table, her eyes anxiously glancing to the gate every few minutes, her heart beating against her chest in anticipation.

after what seemed like agonizingly long, she heard a voice behind her and turned.

there he was, smiling as always.

ignoring the others, he sat in the chair that was closest to her and they just stared at each other for awhile, inquisitively...inquiringly.

"hello," she smiled sarcastically. "it's nice to meet you."

he paused before saying, "you look so different..."

and she considered this for a moment, deciding that it must've been a compliment because of the way he stared so, before adding, "so do you...now isn't this weird."

and for the two hours that remained, they sat closely together, often talking amongst solely themselves or stealing sideways glances when the other wasn't looking.

"well we'll always have paris, darling," she said half jokingly, part of her believing that it was and would be forever true.

before he left, he stood behind her and leaned in to kiss her [upside-down, of course], but instead of kissing back, she just laughed in that way of hers and crinkled her nose.

like it or not, she was head-over-heels, absolutely and completely and entirely in love with him.

still as opposed to again. "



yeah.
i think i could edit YA and middle grade books.

what i learned from4 yrs of summer camp.

children, ages 9-20 or so, are obsessed with homosexuality. every freaking thing is "that is so gay" (okay, sometimes very wrongly used as a synonym for 'stupid') or "so and so is gay" or "what are you, gay??? or "you're a faggot" or simply "fag."

why is is so fascinating? why do they find it so revolting?

it seems that to these kids, being anything but gay is OK.

just today, i, sick of hearing the same shit day after day from these little losers, said "so what? there's nothing wrong with being gay," and they replied, eyes wide, "yes there is!!!!!!!!!!!" and i told them that i found them revolting and horribly offensive, which was wrong, because i am 21 and they are 13.

but i hate them.
i hate them i hate them i hate them.

i am just horrified that these kids think they can look down on other people when really, they don't understand anything.

why do they think they are better?

they are revolting.

we need the kids to be better, so when they grow up we can actually make a change in the world. do some good. break down walls, not build new ones.

and then there's always the gay (but not gay yet, because they're only 13) kid in camp, and all i can think about is how these kids makes other kids' lives 10000x harder, and i just hate them for it.

they don't understand what they're doing.

priority mishap.

so fml.

my cell phone broke on saturday. i have not been in contact with any of my friends since. i'm waiting for them to mail me a new one in the mail. i might not get it til friday or next monday.

i got a paycheck today from job #2, the bi-monthly paycheck. i am making tons of money, but what's the point?

i should be seeing harry potter right now with kristin and jesse, but i fucked up big time and said i could work every night this week, in addition to my regular 9-4.30 full-time job.

i am fucking breaking a quite long tradition because of work.

i am a fucking loser. my thirteen year old self, my eighteen year old self would hate me so bad right now.

i hate me so bad right now.

but i thought about the effects that a midnight showing in the middle of 4 14hr workdays would have on me, and i cried, and i decided that i would enjoy it so much more if i waited til i could stay awake during it.

but eff my effing life.

i don't want to be the person who makes rational decisions. i want to make memories. :(

brave.

the bug.

every now and then, all i can think about is leaving. i'm not unhappy; i'm just antsy. traveltraveltraveltraveltravel.

a year ago, i was here



six months ago, i was here


waiting to go here


to do this


.

now i am here :


working 14 hour days so someday i can be a jetsetteuse (it's French. really.) again.

my mother says that i can't please everybody and i should just focus on myself.

i guess that's true.

i just can't help but think that if there's something i can do to make someone's life a little better, without it killing me, why not?

well because then i end up doing things that i really don't want to do for people that really don't deserve it.

hello, headaches.

every time i'm feeling sick, i go to the Symptom Checker at webmd.com and this is basically the list of possible diagnoses that i get every single time.

-migraines
-headaches
-anemia


tonight i learned that there is a type of migraine of which i was previously unaware.

vestibular migraines.

symptoms?
all the symptoms of a migraine, minus the stabbing headache.

so i'm betting that the dizzy/nauseous/lightheaded/i-feel-like-i'm-moving-even-when-i'm-sitting/laying-down/sensitivity-to-light is probably that.

because let's be honest.
i get migraines, cluster headaches, tension headaches quite frequently. and i'm anemic.

so why not this type of headacheless migraine?

welcome to my life.

over it : linguistics and nyu

i just changed my schedule.

next semester i will be taking :
etymology (boring)
language and society (boring)
versailles : life as art in the age of grandeur (potential)
modern irish language (COOL. i think.)

i did so because i am so sick of the linguistics department and want to be done with them as soon as possible, so i am going to take my final two classes and then never speak to any of them again.

aside from the core classes and the brilliant professors who teach them (mark baltin, gafos, lisa davidson, chris barker) and a few select TAs (marcos, violetta, oana), linguistics classes at new york university have been a waste of my time.

i wish i could retake sound & language or semantics. such interesting classes. even drawing sentence trees in grammatical analysis was fun. ( i admit that i learned very little in phonological analysis, but that was maybe my own fault --- and it was quite difficult. difficult enough for me to attempt to BS my way through instead of try to learn the material. it worked ... i got a b+ )

mais non.

better to just graduate and move on.

i feel like i'm supposed to DO something with my life and i feel like i won't be doing something in publishing.

i mean, i will. it's the coolest job in the world and it would make me forever interesting.

but ugh, i feel i'm meant to do something smaller and at the same time, bigger, in the big scheme of things.

i feel selfish for wanting to do publishing.

i'm supposed to do something else, i think.

i'm supposed to help people. make the world a little bit better.

helping to create novels helps in an escapist sort of way. it's art. it's wonderful.

but maybe less tangible and maybe less real than what i'm meant for.

does that make any sense?

i am such a grownup because i didn't cry today.


or maybe all that really means is that i'm numb and resigned.

thought

doing something takes so much more effort than doing nothing. making that decision to take action rather than sit idly. and with the latter, we know what to expect --- more of the same.

and so why do we bother taking the risk?

the adventures, the excitement, the opportunity.

because it's life, and it's what you do.

it's usually worth it.

and even if it's not, at least it's an escape from the mundane.

2009 has been very stressful and trying and confusing, and i finally got myself to a place where i am really happy and purposeful and NOT NEEDY. this took years. i will not allow it to be destroyed so easily.

what the fuck is my problem??

i will not go back to that.

it's much easier said than done, but i am going to put up such a fight.

kate & leo

in the delusional fantasyland in which i live, this is a reality and not just a picture from a movie set :



---------------------------------------------------------------

now. revolutionary road. i meant to see it when it came out, of course. i was dying in anticipation. somehow, i just never got to the movie theater. i rarely do. i'm kinda against paying 13$ to see a movie. that's half a ticket to a play.

anyway. everyone warned me that it was depressing and awful. my sister and my mother were horrified by kate's character. but i understood her. i'm not that sad about it. it was a sad situation, but i can't imagine it ending any other way. i wish it could have. i wish with all my heart that they made it to paris and could have been happy. but kate('s character) had gone crazy. she didn't see a way out of this boxed in suburban life with a white picket fence.

it's just like the Awakening, really.

????? x infinity

so this is generally what happens when i make a decision about something.

if i decide against publishing, my favorite literary agent that i interned for will say something like "you are really good at this" or "there's nothing in the world like finding a manuscript you love."

if i decide that i should give publishing a try, someone will tell me how ideal teaching is and how great i am with kids and how rewarding it is to be a teacher and how you get summers off and how the pay in NYS is great.


usually i flipflop every few days. sometimes weeks.

today i was set on teaching, then got an email from michael about a manuscript that i pitched to editors that is getting published, AND THEN i saw my french teacher from jr high who gushed about how i would make a great teacher for 10 minutes and how she'd help me.


i am so freaking lost, this isn't funny.

??????

can someone please tell me what i'm supposed to do with my life?

it's the constant struggle of



vs.

where i'd rather be v.1.0

washington square park, because though it no longer looks like this, it is NEW and OPEN and actually quite beautiful, and i walked through it yesterday in the rain and i was sososososososososo happy.



fire island, because it is FINALLY june AND sunny. i'd like to go there with lovely friends and not obnoxious 14 year olds who are clearly too old for summer camp.


le pont des arts, paree. because nothing is better than getting drunk outside off 3e wine. sadly neither i nor my comrades experienced this many times, as the weather was generally far from pleasant until two weeks before our departure.



because, obviously...


here. i would always rather be here.

can't please everyone ...

So someone started collecting really amazing/hilarious negative reviews of masterpieces and classics of literature, film, and music.

Reading them keeps me entertained for hours.

For example, a review of the movie Gone With the Wind from an amazon.com customer :

at no point in this movie does anyone’s head explode in flames. truly great films such as welcome to spring break recognize the need for such scenes, but this movie clearly fails to understand the emotional resonance a burning head can create. if you want to see a truly great movie, check out welcome to spring break.

a-m-a-z-i-ng.

staircases.

I would very much like this staircase in my chateau. Isn't it gorgeous?

Nothing beats a good staircase, except, of course, a good bookshelf.

xoxo

that.

who thought that i would enjoy working at the stadium again? it's been 4 years since i've enjoyed that job. i guess it's because i have absolutely nothing to do at home and am basically trapped without a car, so i savor the minutes that i get to spend away from the house/with people my own age who i am not related to.

also i feel like blair waldorf, because i am an excellent schemer. especially when i scheme whilst wearing my black headband with the bow.

we are in control of the waddle-in-shop, and bitches who think otherwise are going downnnn.

i can't believe this is what my life has come down to.
but i don't hate it.

this . . .

today i woke up sad. it doesn't seem as if i'll snap out of it, so i'm just waiting til tomorrow.

i realize now that, except for sometimes kristin, i have absolutely no one to call to come save me from the monotony that is my everyday life at the moment. it's mostly my fault. i could've made more of an effort. but any effort just seemed so useless at the time. we don't have anything in common anymore and i wish it could be different. i feel like that awkward day over spring break that i spent at the beach with brittany was my last chance, and it failed miserably. uncomfortable silences and not much to talk about.

it is what it is, but i wish it were different.

and i don't have a car, because one of them is broken, and my parents need the other cars to take to work. so i can't even go shopping or just drive.

i'll see bryan in two weeks. thank god.

and until then, there's this...

drugs.

i have at least five bottles of prescription medication that i am supposed to take daily, to help with things such as migraines, severe seasonal allergies, and borderline anemia because i refuse to eat meat.

i take none of them.

i have had a throbbing headache for the past twelve + hours. not a migraine. i feel like my head will explode. not pleasant.

i am tired and allergic and it's a beautiful day and why are all my darling friends so far away?

why do people take themselves so seriously? i hate that.

things to remember v.1

for everyone, but mostly for me. i'm so bored and not at all tired, so why not try to be inspirational?

- you're not an idiot, so you shouldn't ever let anyone make you feel like you are. especially yourself. be your biggest fan.

- you are you, so don't waste your time wishing you were anyone else or being jealous. because that doesn't change anything. like yourself.

- being afraid to ask questions is a flaw. a major flaw. try to get over it asap.

- being afraid of anything is a waste of time, because it prevents you from really living.

- try new things, because you don't want to be like the people who don't. they are boring.

- travel as often as you can.

- learn something new every day. nobody knows everything, so instead of being embarrassed, look at everything as a learning experience.

- living with people is hard. it's easy to get mad and moody. take a time out and go for a walk instead of saying things you'll regret.

- living alone is harder. especially if you come from an incredibly noisy household of six people.

- try to be nice to everyone. be not just sympathetic, but empathetic. you're not better than anybody, though sometimes you feel like you are. you're just different.

-everyone is different and nobody will have the same opinions as you. let them have their opinions. yelling won't change anything.

- teach through actions rather than words. it's more effective.

- do what you like and like what you do. everything else is a waste of time. but be aware of your responsibilities.
-

christopher street

what do you do when your "safe street" is no longer safe ?
2 am isn't particularly late and 7th ave isn't a particularly obscure spot.
why did no one stop this?
what about the cops who find it fun to hang around there every night?

c street has been different this year. the group that usually sticks to the PATH station, between hudson and greenwich aves, has grown exponentially and taken over the entire street, from 7th to the river. i felt uncomfortable walking around after 10 and usually would call/text nick or dennis to keep me company for those five minutes til i got home.

this is awful. it makes me afraid.

Man Beaten in West Village, Possible Hate Crime

ruined.

nyu has killed me. i am unable to have other non-nyu, non-nyc friends.
it just doesn't work out anymore.
nobody understands me.

you can't say things like "i don't think there's anything wrong with that, i just don't want to see two dudes kissing." you can't say that to me, because though i know it's not really your fault, it's society's fault and you're just ignorant, i will judge you. and i could think so highly of you, and the moment something like that comes out of your mouth, it's done. and i wish it weren't. i wish i could just let people be who they are (--except they can't, so there's that), but i can't. i feel like in laughing uncomfortably, in not saying something back, in continuing to associate myself with these people, i feel like i'm betraying my friends.

and so i can't do it.
and so i have no long island friends. no friends from high school.
and so i will be alone for the summer, counting the days til i am back in a city with my people.

boredom.

i go from complete bliss to utter boredom in a matter of one commuter rail train ride.

it is day 2 of hating my life and there is no end in sight.

it would be different if i were working all day, though really not quite the same because i hate my jobs and anyway, anything after d&g is worthless. hopefully i'll start 9/5-ing it soon, at the office. because then at least i'll start making a lot of money and can spend weekends in the city or paris or who-knows, but it will involve lots of drinks either way and the gays.

oh god i feel so boring. i am wearing a tie-dyed tee-shirt. if the city folk could only see me now...

after all, it was a great big world

i feel really disconnected from a lot of people. and at the same time, really connected to city folk. i don't mean to sound pretentious, this is just the way i see it : there's a large difference in the size of our worlds. we are not townies. we don't go to the same one bar every weekend, and instead of keggers we go to cocktail parties. sundresses instead of jean shorts.

the world is at my fingertips and i want it all!

i've been places. i'm doing things.

i don't mean to belittle other people's existences, because to each his own, and sometimes i wish i could be satisfied in a town. but i know i can't be. not til i'm old, anyway. or not til this city has ripped every inch of my soul away, because that's what it does. self-destruction. but the city pulls me in. there's that one spot on the BQE where you can first see the city skyline stretched out before you in all its neon glory. but you don't just see it. you can feel it pulsing. it is alive in every sense of the word.

i feel like when i go home i am largely ignored. people ask questions, seem interested for a few minutes. but then they move on to what is familiar. hometown sports, schools, town gossip. nobody really cares or understands.

i don't blame them for this. but it's frustrating and it's lonely.

my own parents ignored me yesterday. they came to take home my stuff and then we went out to lunch, and all they talked about was my little brother's sports teams and television. it was awful.

it'll be nice to go home. take a break from it all for awhile. though i do wish i could stay..
but it'll be even nicer to come back. especially if i am lucky for once in my life and get it all --- a west village apartment (non-dorm) and a job as assistant to one of the greatest name's in children's publishing.

except for the going to school part, of course.

today.

grey's anatomy nailed it. i mean, really nailed it.

the biggest thing i learned this year is that you can't wait to start living. you can't say "oh, after college my real life will begin" or "after high school," "after grad school," "after this semester," "after i get married," after after after after after.

no, because this is life. right now. it's immediate, it's wonderful, it's fleeting, and you never know when it is going to change so drastically that you will no longer be able to do what you meant to, or say the things you meant to say, or live the life you always dreamed.

today.

so don't save money for a rainy day, or daydream about vacations in a few years, or not tell people you love them.

don't spend entire days or weeks studying, don't work overtime, don't waste a minute.

because the only thing that is certain is right now. this very minute.

you have to LIVE.

best day

i miss being that little.
like this song, i had a pretty flawless childhood...

hypochondria part 2

genevieve and i are both dying of the swine flu. we are convinced we have it, as we are both legitimately sick and it seems to be more than just super bad allergies.

also today at molly's new (amazing, adorable) apartment, we were dusting and then we decided that we might also die of lead poisoning. because surely there was lead in the paint that we were cleaning...

you've got mail

some quotes i like :

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

People always say that change is a good thing, but what it really means is that something that you didn't want to happen, has happened.

Soon we'll just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know, because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is, I'm heartbroken.

I started helping my mother here after school when I was six years old. I used to watch her, and she said it wasn't about selling books, it was about helping people become whoever they were going to turn out to be. When you read a book as a child it becomes part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your life does.

big fish

i haven't watched big fish since the night my grandfather died a year and a half ago.
it was the weirdest thing. the main character always reminded me of him.
and right after i finished watching it, as i was listening to the pearl jam song in the credits, my daddy called.




my grandfather's funeral reminded me of the funeral in big fish, and the song in the credits reminded me of him. he was this larger than life person.

And the sky breaks at dawn, shedding light upon this town
They’ll all come ‘round
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just goodbye for now.

i felt like watching it today. i always thought it was such a pretty movie. but i was bored once i put it on. so i just watched the spectre scene, and the daffodil scene, and then the end. that ending always made me cry. like i said before, not a lot can make me cry.

i wish people wouldn't talk to me about danielle, because i don't like to talk about her.

i think about her enough as it is. i don't need other people randomly bringing it up.

not a lot of things can make me cry on the spot, but that can.

most of the time i just feel so numb.

circles

my sunburn has faded into a tan, it no longer hurts, and it has begun to peel massively. thankfully only on my back and shoulder blades - nothing like last year.

and yet, to remember that i experienced the exact same thing at the exact same time last year is comforting (and annoying -- why haven't i learned?????) in a weird way. i miss my european adventures, and this sunburn makes me think of greece. and now italy, where my skin was peeling like whoa.

today, a year ago, i left venice for my final two week stint in paris.
two of the best weeks of my life
(april 18-may 18=one of the best months of my life. definitely by far the most jam-packed, the most interesting)

i have been so self-indulgent lately and that scares me, because usually i am cheap cheap cheap.

i think this coincides with my relatively new understanding that i can die at any minute of any day, and then what would be the point of working really hard and hoarding all my money in the bank?

spend spend spend spend spend.

i hope this new habit ends soon.
it makes me nervous.

"if we don't wake up
and shake up the nation,
we'll eat the dust of the world
wondering why ..." - the late great jonathan larson

Everyone thinks I am a lesbian because I am unusually attached to the gay rights movement.

After my especially long commentaries for French homework on the subject, my entire class, as of tomorrow, will probably be thinking the same thing...

It doesn't really bother me, except when I say I'm not and they don't believe me. It's just annoying when people don't believe you in general, I guess.

summer in the city

as much as i like being at home and i love summers on long island, i don't want to leave.

i don't want to spend the summer away from my people. my new york family.
i don't want this semester to end...

i am sad in thinking of all the lazy weekends at the gay beach and all the sidewalk cafe happy hours that could have been. but i will try to content myself in focusing on the fire island days and the weekend visits that surely will be... and hopefully a trip up to maine to visit my dearest amanda. who i really really really don't want to leave the city. sigh.

gay parenting

"Le mariage étant une affaire privée, il est incompréhensible que l'Etat continue à exiger l'hétérosexualité pour entrer dans cette institution. Au nom de quoi justifier ce contrôle institutionnel ? (...) Il existe en France une contradiction forte par rapport à la filiation. Un célibataire vivant seul peut adopter, pas des concubins hétérosexuels ou homosexuels alors que plus de la moitié des enfants naissent de parents non mariés. Il est temps d'envisager une refonte de la filiation, avec la reconnaissance de plusieurs types de parents, plusieurs entrées dans la parenté. " - Francois de Singly


Marriage is a private affair. It is incomprehensible that the State continues to only allow heterosexuals to get married. In the name of what can we justify this institutional control? In France, there is a strong contradiction regarding filiation. A single person can adopt, but not unmarried heterosexual or homosexuals, even though more than half of the children born are of non-married parents. It's time to think about a new filiation, recognizing more types of parents, more ways to become parents.

Word.

summer came like cinnamon -- so sweet ...

"If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it."

Amazing weekend so far, except in my stupidity (which comes every year around the first gorgeous 80 degree day), i am now once again burnt to a crisp. you think i would remember all the agony i was in last year and never let that happen again. but no.

whatever. friday i wore my best outfit and everyone loved it and it kept me in a good mood all day. after, drinks in the garden of a wine bar with molly & gen & cooper, then dinner and conversation and a walk around the west village with coops. and yesterday, 6 hours at the christopher st pier. with meredith and matt and molly and gen and cooper and dozens of his friends. who were fun and started double dutching. and everyone on the pier got really into it. and it was amazing. and we picnicked and it was just so lovely. i can see myself doing that for the rest of my life...

and meredith and i bought a bottle of limoncello and vanilla icecream and lemonade and did amazing things with it. while listening to corinne bailey rae.

lemme tell ya, perfect precursor to summer.

i go to the same places, hang out with the same people, even tell the same jokes as before ... it's the shell of normalcy, but i'm not completely into it. i go along with it because it's as close to happy as i get. on a scale of 1-10, how happy am i, relatively speaking, that is a 12. but it's not the same. it'll never be the same without you.

that's so gay.

an 11 year old boy in atlantakilled himself last week because of endless taunting from his peers at school. they kept calling him gay. he hung himself.

the same thing happened in massachusetts earlier this month. anti-gay slurs, a hanging, a life cut short too soon.


what kind of world is this? i deal with this shit every year at summer camp, and i scream at these kids until my face turns red and i have to walk away in anger. and these bullies, their parents don't reprimand them, and the authority figures at school (or at camp. the supervisor of our camp doesn't care. and will often call kids gay behind their backs. and why??) don't think it's a big deal.

but it is. where do they learn this? not always from their parents. children are actually more influenced by their peers than by their family.

does it matter where it starts, or that it isn't stopped?

and anyway, why is being called gay the ultimate insult?
society.
and all those crazy fucking "gathering storm" commercials aren't helping.
they also don't make sense:
1- who invented that metaphor? 'the storm is coming'??? what does a storm have to do with marriage? or gays? the rainbow is coming, maybe. rain of glitter.... but a real storm? too dramatic.
2- most of the things the people say don't make sense. how will letting other people be happy and get married affect your life personally? ?????????????
3- i feel like using the term 'rainbow coalition' at the end is confusing and invalid. it makes me think that the whole thing is a spoof. which it isn't. but it's perplexing. just like the rest of the video.

how did that get produced? did nobody say "this doesn't make sense?"

and anyway, i just don't understand why it matters.
because it doesn't.

a touch overrated...

i am incredibly sick of everyone's self-obsessions and everyone complaining about situations that could have been avoided if they were more responsible for their actions.

to tell you the truth, i don't feel bad for them.
BECAUSE IT IS THEIR OWN FAULT.

i'm sick of everyone's drama...
i honestly don't care anymore.
that's why i want to go home.

a playlist for the rain

bilingualism

instead of writing a french essay, i am going to discuss my own experiences with dual language fluency, why it's both amazing and detrimental, and yet always fascinating. (because i am a 'linguist,' probably)

my default for a lot of words and phrases is french. in the previous sentence, i originally wrote "yet toujours fascinating." recently i have taken to saying "in train of" instead of "in the middle of." i say it, get weird looks, and then realize it's not an appropriate english phrase.

because i spend hours at a time in my french classes, which are back to back, i've seen a weird progression that i didn't notice even in paris. which i think is because there, i wasn't also taking english classes a la fois. er, at the time. but the thing is, i do most of my reading and most of my essay writing in french. and i have a hell of a lot of work this semester for my french classes, so let's just say that most of my homework involves reading and writing in french. if not basically all, since i rarely do my english homework.

now i find that when i have to write anything, i am at a loss for english connecting words. "however," "furthermore," etc, all must be translated in my head from french. ce qui est troublant, et really makes my english work much worse than it used to be. i was once upon a time quite a stellar essay writer, and now everything is so basic, because i translate it. from my non-native language.

i guess it has to do with compartmentalization. i write essays in french. i've written maybe a grand total of 3 papers in english my entire time at college. so it makes sense, i guess. it's just such a weird feeling.

perhaps the most embarrassing is when i have to write something up at work, or if i'm in the middle of giving a book report (orally) and there is a long pause because i am searching searching searching for the english word for 'rapport'. which is, of course, relationship.

and right now, i am at a loss for both a french and an english word. when i try to think in neither (or both) language(s) at the same time, my thoughts become really fuzzy.

it's annoying but secretly i think it's wonderful. because my major is linguistics and what i am most fascinated in is language development...

what's maybe the worst is that non-linguistics majors, non-french friends (which, after freshman year and a semester in paris, i have very few of), and basically everyone from long island thinks i do it on purpose and am a snob. but whatever. can't be helped.

now off to find that word...

death & all his friends

is it weird that whenever i get a really bad headache, i think i am going to die of a brain aneurysm?

well yes, of course.

except that 1. they are hereditary and 2. there are no symptoms. it just feels like an extraordinarily bad migraine. so how do you differentiate between worst migraine ever and brain aneurysm?

you don't.
and then you die.

grandma.

my grandmother is crazy. and the best person i know. today was her 79th birthday, and at the end of the day, a few of us were sitting around the outdoor fireplace, wrapped in blankets and listening to my dad play the guitar. she says, "my life is so blessed. and that makes me sad, because some people do not have anywhere near the amount of blessings that i have had in my life. i have had a wonderful life. and i don't blame them [her sisters] for being the way they are [bitter] and feeling god has forgotten about them. because they see me, and they see all this, and they don't have any of it... god really looked out for me."

and the rest of us looked at each other, mouths slightly open in shock.

because my grandmother has had the hardest life of anyone i know. she grew up in brooklyn with italian parents, slept in the same bed as her (3) sisters because they were so poor, had to work really hard and take care of her little sisters/cousins... she met my grandpa, they had five children, and two of them died suddenly, very young (20s). she had difficult custody battles for 3 of the children, my cousins, and ultimately ended up raising them, too. she took care of my great-grandma, her mother, until she died at almost 100 years old. my grandfather had multiple heart surgeries that he wasn't supposed to survive and was a politician. neither of those were easy on my grandmother either... he died a year and a half ago, and now my grandma is alone. except that her crazy sisters moved in with her, making her life maybe even more miserable than it would have been.

most of the people in her life are dead.

so for her to smile tonight and talk about how lovely her life is and how blessed she was brought tears to my eyes.

she has faced (and overcome!) more difficulties than any other person i have ever heard of. fictional characters have had it easier than her, because authors aren't that mean. and for her to say that...

i don't think i'll ever forget it.
i don't ever want to forget it.
she taught me such an important lesson tonight.......

i feel the depression of last semester slipping back into my life.
i don't know what happened. i was so happy all year so far... and now i just don't want to do anything except cry, and it's a gorgeous day out and i don't want to get dressed and i don't feel like being outside.

and i don't want to be alone but i don't want to be around other people. and i can't really think of anything to look forward to.

i wish bryan were here, but he's not. so i wish jesse were here, but he's god-know's-where in southern europe...

i had a bad dream the other night and it's stayed with me ever since, and on top of that, everyone is annoying me and i feel like nobody cares, (even though this time i am certain that i have tons of friends, so i admit that this is just my fucked up head making things up)

and i feel like time is slipping away and i'm wasting it, and i'm not doing what i want and i don't know what i want.

and at the moment i feel like there is nothing good in the world.

i am often stressed and/or afraid because next year i will most likely either be 1. living alone or 2. living at home.

living at home would be a boring way to spend senior year.

but i forget that i already lived alone in paris for five months in a creeptastic huge apartment... and i survived. it was weird and lonely, but i survived...

have/don't have v.2

i have :
- a great little yellow bedroom, filled to the brim with books
- a headache
- a sore throat
- a funny (big/extended) family
- dye on my hands from coloring eggs twice today
- great new colorful shirts from h&m
- wet shoes
- euros sitting on my dresser
- way too much homework
- a desire to be lazy

i don't have :
- a shirt with sleeves on. therefore i am cold.
- enough money in my wallet
- a good attitude
- tolerance for college
- motivation
- contacts that don't hurt my eyes
- the ability to be lazy


want/don't want v.1
i want:
-to be wearing a sweatshirt
-a plane ticket
-an idea of what i'm going to do with my life
-to be in 3 (specific) places at once

i don't want:
-to go back to school ever.
-to have to deal with annoying teachers and difficult/tedious homework assignments.

orangina = animal orgy?

dear french people,
i am dying to know. what do orangina and sexy animal orgies (vom) have in common? and why did you decide to pair them in a marketing campaign that makes me want to run and hide in fear?

france in general likes to create odd couplings. snow-shoeing and the eiffel tower, modern jeff koons art and versailles, tuna-fish and corn, macarons and foie-gras flavoring, april and snow.

but orangina and animal sex? have we gone too far this time, maybe? because really, does seeing a zebra in a purple whorish outfit having some sort of weird orgasm really make anyone want to drink orangina?

music for everyone

so i just discovered this site.
you can make beautiful playlists to share with your friends.

now, i am a giant fan of mixes and lamely think that they are wonderful, personal gifts, and i think everyone should make me one. thanks.

i want the worlllllld, nothin' less...

bryan said that my life was getting glamorous and that he was proud of my new '09 self.

he never says those things, so it needed to be documented here in this blog.



i loveeee tuesday nights...and i only wish i didn't have class so early on wednesdays/always so much work due.

la positive attitude

oh god, yesterday i had such a headache! i skipped class again and instead spent the afternoon in starbucks with dennis, doing nothing and people-watching. and then the minute i get home, i realize i have not had water all day and my head hurts a little. and as the hours pass, it reaches migraine status, con nausea.

it kinda stayed with me all day today. i think i looked dead at work, cause jim and michael kept asking if i was ok/needed to go home. i wanted to go to the bar tonight but i think drinking would not help...

i was going to give up the day as lost, but then michael asked me to do a 'special project'. i have a great YA manuscript next to me, and i get to read through it and note where corrections need to be made. i'm pretty excited. it's a much bigger job than usual/than the interns usually get.

i'm pretty excited for my sister to come visit on thursday, and then to finally go home for the weekend...

part of me wants school to be over tomorrow and to go home for the summer, but i know i won't be back to d&g and it's been fun, and i've really grown to like a few of the agents very much. so i'm not really ready for that to be over yet.

if only new york wasn't so far away ...

I am in a mood right now. Sad.

I'm really tired. I can't remember the last time I slept past 7.50 am, no matter what time I go to sleep.

I am so sick of school and homework and the professors this semester who want everything done in their stupid meticulous little way. It is really hard to type phonetic symbols and trees, I don't have time to watch French films and read 20 boring pages of text a night, I don't want to write you an outline because I don't write outlines, and your class just sucks - the pointless projects, the lectures, and the fact that your final is on the 11th of may.

Between the ending of Shadow Kiss and the season finale of the Real World Brooklyn (you aren't supposed to cry this many times while watching the Real World), I am just tired of life today.

My fictional worlds have been shattered, and all I want to do is sleep...

And why haven't any of my friends called to play this weekend? Lonely lonely lonely and all i want is you....

bookish thoughts : shadow kiss

SPOILERS (just in case anyone stumbles upon this who plans on reading it)

I just finished Shadow Kiss. God. Talk about the worst ending ever... Harry Potter made me cry several times, but Shadow Kiss made me nauseous and my eyes sting. Almost-crying. It just isn't fair.

I am obsessed with Rose and Dimitri's relationship. They were never supposed to fall in love. He was her teacher, her mentor, her lover, her soulmate. They understood each other so completely and would do anything for each other. She thought the world of him and would do anything for him... She was so young at first, and just trying to figure everything out, and he called her out on it every time. He taught her how to grow up, how to control herself, how to be a better person. Like he was. And now what is she supposed to do? I feel like the world is over.

And yet there is that part of me that is clinging to hope. Maybe Mason was lying. Maybe Rose can save Dimitri. Maybe he's okay. He has to be okay, right?

Because it's just not fair.

It's not supposed to end like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People who have a connection like that are supposed to always stick together. They need each other. One can't just leave...

PS. Going to D&G to intern for the next month is going to be hellish. Because Jim has read Book4 and knows what happens at the very end of Rose's adventures (book 6!), and whenever I see him I won't be able to think about anything else.

Also I wish I were working there over the summer so I could be there when the galleys come in...

Also I think it is so fucking cool that I personally know the guy who got the proposal for Vampire Academy one day a few years ago and thought, "This is awesome." and got it published for all the world to read. Epic cool points.

they sing through life so why can't we?

i am happy. i don't know why. i just am.

some things still suck, but overall life is pretty amazing, huh? i have lots of great friends and a great internship that i love and i have an apartment in the west village, for now, and spring is here.

and i have vampire academy, for now, because i only have a hundred pages left in Shadow Kiss and after that i'll have to wait until august til the next one comes out. and i don't think i can wait that long. i am basically really obsessed with dimitri and scared to death that what i read by mistake on the internet actually happens. because i am obsessed with dimitri and that just can't happen. that'd be the end of the world. that'd be worse than killing sirius black.

it's raining and i love the sound of the rain. i love that i don't have anywhere to go this weekend and that if i choose, i can do homework and relax in my room the entire time. it's gonna rain tomorrow anyway.. i'm not sad. i won't feel obligated to go outside. or compelled to go to yogurtland.

(still) lost!

i am so tired. and don't think i can keep fighting for this, because it's impossible to fight for something that isn't there.

admitting that whatever doesn't exist anymore really means that i am all alone, and that makes my entire body hurt.

how is it that, at the age of 21, i already feel like i've lost so much?

still mourning

oh i remember what we said as we lay down to bed / i'll be here you if you'll only come back home / oh lover, i'm lost because the road i've chosen beckons me away / oh lover, don't you roam / now i'm fighting words i never thought i'd say / i'll forgive you if you'll just come back home

advice.

people are always giving advice. on everything. i don't listen to most of it.

except when, senior year of high school, mr. willie told us all that the most important piece of advice he ever got was from his hs teacher --- go to class in college. i never forgot that. it helps. even if i don't pay attention, which i don't, just being there helps...

today at work, michael said something worth remembering. something like...

don't be so down on yourself. there are plenty of other people in life who are gonna try to bring you down, so the least you can do is be good to yourself.

just a girl in a panic

ugh. i am clinging to this thing for dear life, and it's like sand slowly slipping through my fingers and there's nothing i can do to hold on to it and it's pointless, really. it's an awful, out-of-control, i-wasn't-ready-for-this-although-i-expected-it, sort of feeling.

and it makes me wonder, a la carrie bradshaw....is the holding on scarier, or the letting go?

c'est too much

to be honest, i am sometimes very surprised at my resilience. sometimes it's all a lot... balancing classes, homework, essays, projects, internship, finding leisure time so i don't go insane, living on my own (so cooking and cleaning and etc), balancing my outings with friends, missing my best friend like crazy, trying to figure out my summer, my future, money situations, life drama... sometimes i want to cry. and i don't. i make plans, i trudge through, and it all passes eventually.

i have a giant to-do list for the month of april. and today, did almost half of an essay that's not due til next friday and i made a gigantic pot of lentil/bean stew that will last me two more dinners and i made a dent on the research for this bilingual project that i'm dreading...

and i looked at pictures from freshman year (bad idea) and i remembered how easy it all was and how amazing. i love my friends. they're all absolutely amazing and i wouldn't trade them for (almost ;)) anything. and yet, if i could go back to then, i might. we're all so much older...we've experienced so much in these past two years and i miss being that carefree and that blissfully happy. because i was. and so in love with the world...

oops i did it again ...

i am an extraordinarily selfish and bad best friend.

i complain about other people all the time, but really, i'm no better.

can i stay here with you

i miss that room.

it was basically mine and it smelled like cologne and laundry detergent and i used to fall asleep on the floor.

on vacations, when i would be on long island, i'd often fall asleep on the couch and wake up confused about where i was. i never thought i was in my own bed. i always wanted to be on that floor. to wake up elsewhere made me sad.

i try not to think about the past that much, or i would be continually mourning its loss.

i've had a great life so far, and there are things and people and places and moments in time that i miss so much.

i miss frost valley in 6th grade and i miss lit club after school on fridays and i miss being silly with kristin and cutting class with jesse and 1111 and sitting side by side with josh on my pink and yellow bed, our backs against the wall facing the window, discussing everything as we watched the sun go down and the city lights come up, and everything about bryan, and some things about paris, and people who are dead.

we grew up way too fast

i hung out with kristin today. being around her was really comfortable. it made me miss things a lot. old friends and less stressful times.

it got me thinkin that maybe coming back home after graduation to save money while attending grad school on long island wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

there are plenty of worse places to call home. in fact, long island is probably one of the better places. trashy? yes. deranged? yes. convenient? yes. location? check plus.


i don't want to go to back to class. ever. i'm planning my schedule for next semester because that helps me to feel like an end is in sight, even though it isn't nearly as close as i'd like.

irish and a class on versailles!!!!!! this core-class hell will be over in a month and a half... i can hold on til then, right?

not gone

ugh i just had the strangest dream.

maybe it was a reunion or something, but there was a pre-something party in my east islip bedroom. everyone was here: all of my friends since elementary school. my best friends (i had different ones almost every year) were all there. even sara and kelly came together (grades 4 and 5), and i'm sure they have barely spoken since then, too. kristin, the twins, danielle h and michelle and vicki and jenn...everyone was there except danielle, i noted. but obviously. because she's not here anymore.

except later, she was. we were all at some weird camping thing, and i was heading i-forget-where, but in the direction of her house, and that made me nervous because i really didn't want to see vinny or her mom because that would kill me. i didn't see them, but she was there. we hugged for a very long time and i didn't know what to say.

and then it got like a stephanie myers' paranormal/sci-fi book, because this person that had danielle's body told me she wasn't danielle, but danielle's alright and it would be ok. i followed her home, to danielle's house, which was now a cabin in the woods. and we sat and had fun for awhile, and i cried for awhile, and when it was time for me to leave i ran to go tell someone what i'd just seen, and i found maria and the twins, but then i woke up...

i know i hadn't spoken to danielle since high school, save a few myspace messages initiated by her, but i miss her and i hate the fact that i will never get to hear her voice or her laugh again. she was so cool and so funny and so pretty and such a good friend in such a critical period of life.

"I know I barely see you, Bridgie," she wrote in my yearbook, "but I still consider you one of my closest friends."

Goddammit.

if you'll just come back home

uh-oh. ([glottal stop])

blah for the past few weeks i've been all "new york!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111"
looking up the avenues (specifically 7th and 5th) made me feel small and lucky and in love with the city again.

now i am on long island. it is nice having nothing to do, but oh i forgot --- i get so extremely bored so quickly.

and everyone else is goin' (/went) on an airplane.

i've become quite accustomed to plane travel, and while i hate the flights themselves, i am obsessed and in love with airports.
because no matter what they can never and will never be mundane.

i haven't been on an airplane in two months. only two months!!! that's not long at all, considering the long gap between july and january, which i survived last year.
though come to think of it, i was horribly depressed in the fall.

i want an adventure! sososososososo badly.

and at first i was thinking may, but then i thought august would be better because it is closer to christmastime and i'd have more money after a summer of working my ass off. and europe would be my goal and my reward.

but today i realized damn. that's five long months from now. five very long months. longer than my entire time in paris last spring. which seemed very very long.

and it's only been two months and three days since i was last there!!!!!
so if 2 months and 3 days feels like an eternity, how in the world will another 5 months and 3 days feel ???????????????????????

DEATH BY BOREDOM and severe best-friend-lacking.

home life

hi.
i'm really excited to go home. it's gonna be so nice!
spring is almost here. we can all feel it.
the cafe owners are getting antsy for it, as is the general public.
you can tell because they are starting to set up their outside-tables, though it is not quite warm enough for it yet.
people sit outside and drink their aperitifs, though it is not quite warm enough for it yet.

i am so relieved that it is spring break nearly (one homework assignment and one day of interning away), but i'm already not looking forward to coming back.
none of my classes are really easy.

i'm taking irish next semester. it fits in perfectly with my M/W schedule.

i have a lot of emails to write. blah.

viva la vida.

i miss europe and i'm jealous of everyone's spring break plans, even though i know i have been there by far the most in the past year, sauf lui qui habite la.

maybe this summer....hopefully with genvie....

for me formidable

lol. who am i kidding? i do this every time.
but no way will i give up without a fight.

additionally, i lied at work today that i saw britney in concert to impress the gays... while i was successful, i'm also a little embarrassed that i would stoop that low.

i'm in a stupidly good mood.

un espoir dans le doute

every day i wake up and check my email, thinking maybe i'll get qqch that is like "oh, just kidding!" but it's been a month minus 2 days and i have yet to receive anything of the sort.

am i so naiive? maybe.
but did i ever think this would happen? yes. in the past.
not this year. this year i was trying to trust it. i thought it was stronger.
sans limites, i thought. some of my friends told me.
maybe that wasn't true.

i dare not tell that many people, for it is sad and embarrassing. and nobody really knows what to say to make me feel better anyway. because what would?

part of me is fine. sometimes i can ignore the gaping hole in my heart. and sometimes i pretend everything is fine and it works, i think, or nobody cares enough to notice. and then i come home and ah...

i have to do something about these pictures...

broken

my suitemate dropped my paris plate on the floor. it was plastic. but it shattered.
it was pink and heart-shaped and for children. it had all of the landmarks on it.
i was in love with it and every time i used it i was happy.

it was just a plate. it was a plastic plate for children.
it only cost 4e.
it was just a thing. just a plate.

why am i so sad?

i get too attached to things.

that is a fault.

it was from one of the gift shops by notre dame... my mom bought it for me. almost a year ago...

i want to go home.

well i've kinda had the best weekend ever, cause friday night was nick's birthday dinner (de-lish) and party at stonewall (epic), and last night i went to indian food with the girls and molly's roomie from rome.

indian food was awful.
i don't know if it's usually because i'm drunk or what, but it made me sad. the food wasn't spectacular, i think prices increased, and you know... it's just not the same, and that put me in a bad mood because i've been making a real effort and it seems i am powerless.

afterwards i met up with brian and his boyfriend at the washington square diner, where apparently they don't card. how trashy to drink in a diner? but it was pretty much awesome. and nick came after a little while to hang out with me and walked me home <3.

we had also spend the entire day outside, both at the pier and walking up and down bleecker street because there was an employee dressed as a rat in the little marc store, dancing and sometimes spinning in a giant hamster wheel.

it was pretty amazing.
we ate our banana pudding (also AMAZING) in front of the store, just watching to see if the rat would tire...he did not.

now today i have to do homework.
i can't wait for spring break...i want to go home.

here's to silence

i am so frustrated.

i really need and want to stop caring.

no. this time i really mean it.

i just don't know HOW.

stop watching that goddamn tv show, for starters.



also, i just want someone to try to understand me. for even a second.
does it matter more that it's silly or that it's important to me??
no one, absolutely no one sees how hard this is for me.

it's nothing. nothing, nothing, nothing.
how did it ever get this bad?

it's better. i'll stop suffocating eventually and start living on my own.

i just want to fast-forward til it's all over and it stops tearing my heart apart.

lost!

today is my friend's twenty-first birthday.
she is not getting drunk right now.
because somebody killed her.

and i look at the picture on my desk, and i remember when we were younger and we had such big dreams, and yet the only thing that really mattered was the day-to-day. the little things. the tennis games we won and lost. the jokes we told. the boys we flirted with.

and then i remember the wake and her lying there. and how i lost it and ran out of the room and i was crying so hard i couldn't breathe.

and now here i am, almost five months later, and i feel numb. numb to the pain, but angry.

-----------------------------------------------
today at work i was asked to read an entire 'true crime' manuscript. today of all days, i read 300 pages about a woman getting shot in a car.

i didn't want to do it. that's not what i want to be reading ever, and also, i was scared to death to submit my evaluation on it to the big boss. but i worked hard on it because i knew this was my maybe only chance to prove i belonged there. i "nailed it."
-------------------------------------------------
i have never felt more lost. and yet, not.

does that make sense? i don't know what's going to happen, but i know what's happening and i know how i have to work through it.

i am unhappy. and yet, i have never been happier.

one thing specifically is falling apart, but everything else is coming together, slowly and with much effort. i know i'll survive all of this. even if i want to tear the photographs off the wall and scatter their pieces down greenwich st.

twenty-one and (not) invincible

i don't have a myspace anymore.
i deleted it because i didn't want to see danielle's page or see all the comments she wrote on my wall.

i never tell people that's the reason, but i want to.
i just laugh and say "myspace is so high school."

so many things are so high school...so innocent.
never in a million years did i think danielle wouldn't be here anymore.
we barely kept in touch, but she was such a huge part of my life and we were always amicable. and i did miss her. i genuinely liked her so much. she was one of the funniest people i have ever met in my life.

danielle's twenty-first birthday is in three days.
i don't like to think about how vinny or her parents are handling it.
danielle adored vinny. it was so hard to see him at the wake. i can't even imagine...

i remember danielle's ...i guess it was probably 13th birthday. we all slept over in her basement. or really, stayed up all night. and went to the deli the next morning. she and i loved to go to the deli. and the next day i went home and had to go to church. and i fell asleep. in church. and we were sitting in the second row, too. i've never been so tired. such a fun night. i learned a lot about wicca that night, from jessica...


i can't believe danielle is dead. i think about her almost every day. and when a few days go by and i don't, and then i remember again, i am shocked and i get like this and it hurts all over again.


goddammit.


it isn't fair.

an open letter to france

dear france,
i hate you and your inability to choose a government that suits you, as i believe we discussed a year ago.

i also hate you for other things, too. including, but of course not limited to, ruining my life.

i wish i could be lazy like your people and watch TV all day. american shows stupidly dubbed in your language. but you aren't fooling anyone. they are american, and your own shows suck. putting a 'la' in front of 'gossip girl' doesn't make it french.

little to no love from,
bridget

have / don't have v.1

i have :
- a headache
- a comfortable bed that i can't yet lay in
- pandora/realized what i've been missing/a playlist full of teenybopper music

i don't have :
- my homework done
- a thesis for my outline
- the ability to quickly recall the english word for outline
- chocolate
- motivation
- time

i was going to say i was mad but that's not entirely true. sans espoir or sad, yes, maybe.

today had ups and downs.
let's go over the downs :
-bad dream
-crying on way to class
-international postage fees
-i fucked up because i have a big mouth
-leaving my bag with my money, credit cards, metro cards, gift certificates, keychain, IDs, and lucky ten euros in silver. not realizing til i was all the way by 7th ave. running back sobbing. finding my bag.
-it was really cold

ups :
- i stalked the set of gossip girl for two hours instead of doing my homework. i saw little j and lonely boy and rufus. dan humphrey/penn badgley looked at me. he was beautiful.
- i'm not dead.